I have had enough
Monday, May 07, 2007
So i was always the skinny kid. I gained a few pounds after college and a few more my first year of law school. I was at my heaviest weight. Then I discovered spark people in July after y first year of law school. By december I was at goal. iu January my clothes didn't fit. But at the same time, I was sick and needed medication. The first meds made me nauseous and out of it, so i let myself eat whatever I wanted, sicne that was the only way i was going ot get food in me. Then I found a medicine that didn't make me ill. It just shit down my body's food cues. In a few weeks I gained everything back. I realized what I had done, but coouldn't figure out how to stop it. I gained more. And more.
Finals are finally over and I decided today is day one. today is the day i take back my body. But i had a snack seconds after breakfast--why? I wasn't even hungry? And put on underwear the fit 2 months ago and today barely covers my rear. I then tried to put on a pencil skirt with a flowy top to hide my now-large stomach. I looked at the mirror and for the first time in my life, a fat girl stared back at me. It was my mom. It was my sister. It was the girl I NEVER wanted to be. So i put on pants. I could barely close them. And it's day one, I'm running 3.5 hours behind on my schedule today, and I already feel so discouraged. my stomach hangs over my pants and i can feel my arm fat brush up against my torso fat as i type. i'm going home tonight for the first time in a month and I'm scared that my family and friends will see this fat girl where they used to see Laura. And I was going to skip tracking my food to see if I could guesstimate things on their own, because it really is a lot of work to track food. Now I don't think I'm able to do this on my own. I never wanted to be this person. I never wanted ot be the fat girl. To be the one who has to count every morsel and every bite. My mom has been yo-yo dieting since I was five, warning me about my weight since I was 12. I don't want to be the thing she warned me about. But here I am, binging all lweekend to start my diet on Monday, refusing to buy new "fat clothes," overweight and miserable. How did I let this happen? And how can I make it go away NOW?!