Monday, September 16, 2013
Crazy blog title, but how many of us have had our mind dictate a litany of words that "tells" us who we are?
I had a rough weekend, as you may know, we picked up RT's ashes on Saturday. For some reason, perhaps my grief, I didn't feel the urge to emotionally eat at the time of her death, or shortly there after.
Upon receiving her ashes, my mind went into hyper drive!
I could hear the same voices telling me, "You will feel much better if you ate some ice cream, with hot fudge, home made of course, with nuts, whipped cream..."
The voice was relentless, "you need to eat, eat you'll feel better." I told my husband about 25 times this weekend that I wanted a "treat" my word for something that isn't in my calorie count, you know what I'm talking about..but I didn't do it.
I ate salad with lots of fresh veggies, lean chicken, I had fresh fruit, lots of healthy, wholesome, life giving foods.
The battle was strong, I didn't think I was going to make it, but I kept telling my self that I was strong, I could over come this unhealthy pattern, I could do better, I didn't need to eat to feel better. I needed to do this for me, and even when my husband left the Pecan Sandies out on the coffee table for two days I didn't eat one. Well, don't congratulate me just yet-I'm really not that crazy about that cookie, now if it was my home made shortbread that would have been a different story! ( I wouldn't have left them sitting there, they would have been far out of reach!!)
The point is this: I have gained and lost, gained and lost since I was 10 years old.
This is a battle, it's a battle in my mind, in my body, for my self, and my health.
I think it is also a spiritual battle.
I am trying to break down strongholds and patterns that have plagued me since childhood.
There are a couple things that helped me though it:
I'm eating at the table. I'm not watching much tv, therefore I'm not watching commercials, I'm sadly not watching much of one of my favorite channels-Food Network.
I also kept telling myself, "NO!!!!!" No, I don't need to eat, no, I won't feel better, no to self, what a concept!
I don't know how I will do each time the desire to emotional eat comes out like a vengence, but I do know that the voice in my head is shouting resolve!
And the voice of self loathing, well, it's just a whisper.
Here's to us!