Sunday, September 15, 2013
It's been a full week back to the 9-5 job - high school English - and I'm a mess. I'm unfocused, half motivated, and feeling like a failure. I knew it would be a tough transition; after all, my inability to remain or even find balance is what landed in me in such an unhealthy lifestyle in the first place. I don't do anything in moderation.
The positives from this first week are that I planned and ate healthy, well-balanced breakfasts and lunches and slept a decent 8 hours every night. I also did exercise, unfortunately, not as much as I usually do.
Where I'm disappointed is that I didn't exercise daily and when I did, it felt like I had to, not that I wanted to. My dinners weren't awesome either. Some were, but then again one night I ate four slices of pizza, so there's that. Beyond the food and fitness is really where I'm concerned: my attitude and mental state. Everything feels like a job and I'm finding emotional eating creeping up on me. I've been getting easily frustrated and overwhelmed, taking everything to heart. It paralyzes me and doing anything seems impossible and feels half-*ssed.
A part of this is my full throttle attitude. I typically approach things as 110% invested or completely removed; this has led me to spread myself too thin. I knew going back to school would change things and I had accepted that I would need to exercise less as well as be extremely prepared, but understanding it and living it are two different things. So even though I know it's not possible to do 400 minutes of fitness a week anymore, I don't like feeling less active. Don't get me wrong - I'm on my feet all day at work, moving, but the act of being able to dive into a pool for unlimited time was a luxury I not only can no longer afford, it's not available. It's frustrating and I feel like I'm failing.
Not to mention I already have five parent emails, a disciplinary issue (kid swung at me), and just under 300 essays to grade! If there's a solution - other than not writing this blog - for time, I hope it hits me over the head soon. Other women I work with sleep 3-4 hours a night or take days off every other week, but I know that isn't a realistic option for me. I've had to cut some of my SP time and that makes me feel even less motivated all around.
I know I'll figure it out, but right now it doesn't feel like it.
The positive is that I've discovered an new way to decompress - TRX. A friend asked if I would join her for a free class at a yoga studio last Sunday and I enjoyed it so much that I return today. It's a barefoot with yoga mat TRX class in a heated room (like hot yoga). It's a serious sweat workout and simultaneously the most fantastic cardio and ST I've had in a long while. I'm sore in all the right places! The downside is that it's a Sunday morning only class, which isn't a consistent reality for me.
I spoke with the owner and came to realize that the excessive heat in the room is a large part of the enjoyment for me. It's all I can focus on and so it shuts my brain off and allows my body to do what it can. This has led me to the possibility of a hot yoga class this week. I hope to try it Tuesday night, but alas, my work week will govern that decision shortly.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some grading and five lunches to prep.
PROOFREADING DISCLAIMER: I needed to write this, but refuse to re-read it. Please don't judge my careless grammatical errors; I'm a diligent and thought English teacher. I swear.