Sunday, September 15, 2013
I'm in Chicago. September 15th. I left here at the end of June. I was truly out of my mind -- adrenal crash, hormone crash, nervous ...breakup.... etc etc
Three months later... endocrinologist and supplements and celexa later... Still 153lbs (that's now the 'easy part' ???? really??? well... not easy... i had to buy a scale becuase I still fret over it... and when i go up three pounds I'm able to trim back for a few days -- STAY CONSCIOUS ..> THAT'S THE LESSON
So... How to apply the lesson NOW? The issue? Home. House. Money. Living Well within my means. NOt that different than "eating well" "within my means".
My ED was both withholding and excessive. I starved myself and I gluttoned. What took many layers of experience to learn...was and continues to be... LISTENING to my needs... and LEARNING a BETTER SKILLS BEHAVIORS for answering and meeting my needs.
Shelter. Consumer Goods. Activities. People.
What are my wants and needs? What is reasonable? What is possible?
Joe moved to California to be near his family and to 'lead the way' "for Us" to a next chapter when our apartment was lost here in Chicago and I bought a condo in a neighborhood neither of us really want to live in.
I just spent two months helping Joe (and Us) get set up in a rented cabin in a beautiful spot in the redwoods. Rustic. And truly beautiful -- STARS, MOON, Ocean in the distance, canyons, condors, blue jays, crickets, spiders, bees, mice.... wood stove... beautiful. "Our House.." beautiful. Just need two cats in the yard? It's not Laurel Canyon...
I DON"T KNOW WHAT I WANT
I love the making house and the daily love in my relationship.
I need work. There? Here? Where?
I just got off a plane in Chicago. My MOM is here. My doctors are here. Colitis doctor tomorrow. I have to Powerwash the Decks at condo with the rest of the association of owners (none of whom I've met) on Saturday. I have to do this to protect my investment. I will rent out the condo? And/or sell it in Spring? Or if California turns out to not be for me me... I will come back to Chicago again?
I grew up here. I know this town. I know people here. Have three solid friends.
In california I firmly DID NOT WANT TO come back to Chicago.
Now arrived in Chicago.... It is FAMILIAR. And California seems so far away.
THIS LACK OF CONTINUITY
THIS LACK OF HOLDING MY OWN REALITY
is something DEEP DEEP
and connected to how lifelong difficult decision making is and has been
I am so changeable, mutable, ...adaptive.
Eating has always anchored me.
As long as I can eat well... and be comfortable-ish....
My family does not come together ... barely at all
I've done LOT of interesting things
Yet I have not "pursued a passion"
I do not have " a career"
I am able to start over
I am breathing
I am grateful
Joe and his family
and the beauty of two months breathing
back to center
I will pack Joe's clothes this week and send them to California (he's been wearing the same 6 items for three months!!).
I will move from storage unit to condo to save $$ while I or we figure out whether to unpack or simply wait for bigger move in Spring.
This all scares me.
I like things wrapped up and static.
I lived in the same rented apartment for 20 years.
I HAVE A LOT OF ADMINISTRATIVE FLUX TO NOW TEND TO
!!! And I don't have all the answers. That static position of 20 years made everything so easy -- everything figured out... no moves.
Now... IT's ALL MOVES ALL THE TIME.
Is that like exercise? from Sedentary to Exercise?
I'm rambling. I should not publish this. But I'm going to. So I can read it again.
If any of you do read this....
Thank you Universe
for taking care of me
Thank you Universe
fOR SO MUCH LOVE
and relative 'health'
I am grateful.
I am showing up.