Friday, September 13, 2013
You know who I'm talking about (or maybe you've been that person). It's a look someone gets when they're tempted to try some delicious calorically dense food. The graceful decline. I've noted this over the years and through my fitness journey have repeatedly said "I want to be healthy but I don't want to be afraid of food." I don't want to be that person. I'd rather be overweight than be the prig who doesn't eat cake. Since this recent bout of weight gain, however, I'm in the market for change and have returned to the subject.
This time what it draws to mind is my attitude towards coconut. A few years ago I had my first allergic reaction to coconut water. After it first happened I was distraught and would still try a few bites of foods that contained coconut -- penang, carrot cake, whatever. Each time I'd experience the same things, throat swell, cloudy thoughts, itchiness, rash. It's scary. I never know how bad the reaction will be and I still don't have an epipin. Eventually I admitted I should stop trying to eat it and my feelings of grief were replaced with revulsion. Instead of remembering how tasty coconut based curries are all I think about is how scary it is to feel my tongue swell inside my mouth. I don't touch the stuff anymore. I don't want to, it hurts me.
See where I'm going with this? I love all things unhealthy. Bourbon sours, red velvet cake, aged meats, cheese! Burgers. Popcorn. Pasta. So much delicious food that I want to eat all the time. But why should I love these things so much? My lack of self control caused a childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood of low self esteem, guilt, weight fluctuations, hangovers! Maybe I should stop associating tasty treats with sweet bliss (and maybe a little bit of the forbidden) and blame them for causing all those sh*tty emotions. Why shouldn't I feel revulsion? I'm tired of experiencing dread when I step on the scale or (horrors) look in the mirror. I'm tired of untagging photos on Facebook and having to wear my size Medium house pants. I'm tired of weighing more than my husband. I want to look good when I see my family at Thanksgiving. I don't want to feel self conscious the next time I step on stage. These are shallow, yes, but they're things I want. Maybe an attitude shift is in order and what I should feel towards unhealthy foods is not fear, but anger!