Thursday, September 12, 2013
I know its been a while since I have been on. I have had some issues and I figure that this would actually be a fantastic time to blog. Nothing is more artificial that blogs that are always gung ho because we as humans are not always like that. Some of the most encouraging blogs that I have ever written were actually written to myself. They were written during a dark time or just after coming out of one and I am putting into writing the musings of my heart while in the fire and lessons learned.
My motivation really hit the skids over the last few weeks. Its like someone flipped a switch and I just shut down. Couple that with the personal sense of isolation and living in darkness for 7 days during my night shifts and all those issues became a potent mix that I couldn't just shake off. It is in those moments that there isn't a motivational quote or feel good mantra that can lift you out of that hole. I sometimes snicker at motivational posters at a workplace. I saw a quote that fits that perfectly.. yes, and sarcastically as well... "If all it takes is a quote and a pretty picture to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job... the kind robots will be doing very soon..."
At a time when I need the emotional gas the most, all I got was sputtering. Everything is coming together in a very big way and I have to be at the top of my game, not just barely getting by.
I laid in bed last night and felt the most real, chilling sense of utter futility I have ever felt. What am I trying to prove? What do you think YOU are doing? YOU are a fraud. YOU are living a pipe dream and reality will dump ice water all over your little one man parade. WHY do you even bother?
Many of those voices were correct so how could I argue with them? Some people whine about a "plateau" when they do not lose anything for a few weeks and get all discouraged. I have been on a plateau for well over a year. Some of that is probably because I have learned what I can get away with and not gain. Some of it is because it is actually very difficult to lose weight AND maintain the energy necessary to perform a long distances.... at least it is for me... now maybe some of the rockstars reading this don't have any issues but I can't seem to beat that.
I think it has finally caught up with me.
-"To be truly prepared for something, one must actually
expect it. One cannot be prepared for something while
secretly believing it will not happen" - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk To Freedom.
I think I have been stuck for so long that I have secretly believed that I cannot lose the remaining weight and that has further entrenched me in this unbearable condition. I also think that because I will be teaching a class about this very thing, I have been struggling with my own personal credibility.
It is easy to have faith for someone else but have none for yourself.
I need to believe that even now, I CAN do this.
I have come to a place that it is EASIER to train and finish something big like a marathon or a 70.3 than it is to conquer myself and my own habits. In training for an event, there is an end, a finish line, and a reward. In changing yourself, it is a continual process that requires tireless focus and dedication. There is no finish line in this race, neither is there a discharge from this war.
I am reminded of a chant we sang as we ran in boot camp... one of the verses said " there's no use in looking down, ain't no discharge on the ground..."
I laid there and began to strip away everything and answer the basic question... WHY. Once the racing, certifications, medals, classes, training and feeding the midlife crisis fell away, one answer remained.
I want to live.
I have lived more in the last 5 years than I have in the past 39 (i'm 44 btw..)
Life is found, not in how well things fall together but in how well you hold together when things fall apart. How you come through when you are tested and how you soldier on when you challenge yourself. I have done just that. Every medal is testament to the fact that I accepted a challenge and finished what I started no matter the cost. Through that process I have learned more about myself, both my strengths and weaknesses, that I knew even existed.
A life unchallenged isn't worth it.
That sums up my life prior to me starting my journey but does not describe it now, not by a long shot.
I have come to the conclusion that I am tired and simply need to regroup. The feelings are gone and the storm is over. I am not gung ho, my get up and go has got up and went but I am committed. Commitment always rises above feelings because commitment is what you do in spite of how you feel. When you do what you know to do, the feelings eventually come around. If you abandon what is right because you lose heart, you lose something.
I'm not exactly jumping for joy but I am committed.
That counts for something doesn't it?