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Second session of chemo...thoughts on fear and wanting

Thursday, September 12, 2013

I'm at the Vanderbilt infusion clinic right now waiting for my second chemo session. The first week of chemo went amazingly well. I would love it if it was all that easy. One session down, eleven more to go of this chemo.....and then there will be another kind.

If things go as planned, I'll have my last session of this chemo the day before Thanksgiving here in the US. I'm thinking I could have a lot to be thankful about this year in particular.

The last few days I've been thinking a bit about how fear and wanting are barriers to happiness. It really doesn't matter what the situation is. If my happiness depends on getting something I "want", or if I'm spending time being afraid of something, then I'm denying myself the chance to be happy in the present. Of course it's natural for someone with cancer to want to recover and to experience a lot of feeling of fear along the journey, and I've certainly had my fair share of both these last few days, but it's not where I want to live these next nine months as I go through treatment.

I realize more and more with time, that worry doesn't do anything but make me miserable in the moment. It really doesn't do anything to effect the outcome in a positive way. "It is what it is" has become one of my favorite mantras since getting diagnosed.

One of the things that has been going on with me that has precipitated both fear and wanting is that with all the testing they did on me, they found some nodes on my thyroid that will need to be biopsied. Ninety five percent of the time, nodes like this are benign. I've also been told by both my oncologist and the endocrinologist that it is not usual for breast cancer to migrate to the thyroid. That being said, they want me to have a biopsy the nodes next week. It will probably be another week after that before I know the outcome of the biopsy.

I have a choice of how to spend the next two I live them in fear and wanting? Or do I just let go.....because it is what it is....whatever it is.

My goal is to remind myself each time i feel fear or wanting creeping in, that it's not going to change the outcome of the biopsy results. They will be whatever they are going to be. There is so much beyond my control right now and worry, fear, or wanting something I have no control over isn't going to make the situation any better.

I'll say one thing about sure puts things in perspective. It has made me so grateful for the small things in life. I'm so appreciative of every kind word spoken, every smile or hug given and recieved. I've become so aware that those are the really important things in life, the rest is all gravy.

I hope you all have a good Sparking day....with lots of kind words, smiles and perhaps a few hugs along the way.

I'll even give you a virtual hug from me to start you out.....just in case you haven't gotten one today.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Big emoticon right back at ya!
    1622 days ago
    Hugs back, dear (((Kay))) and thank you for the reminder about the futility of fear...praying the serenity prayer this morning.
    1622 days ago
    Good luck on your chemo. Focus on the positive. You will do well.
    1623 days ago
    Wishing you relief and brilliant health!
    1623 days ago
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    1623 days ago
    1623 days ago
    Thanks for the excellent advice.

    From the control-freak who struggles when things are out of control. emoticon

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    1623 days ago
    My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.
    I hope this one went as well as the last treatment.
    That thyroid biopsy is a goo thing. Mom had to have it.
    Glad she did had suspicious cells that could turn to cancer.
    Mom is doing well now. So I know that you will be fine.
    I am here for you. Just mail me or e-mail me if you need me!
    Your friend in Fitness, Holly emoticon
    1623 days ago
    Cancer is a scary word and automatically puts fear in us. I am a two time cancer survivor. I ended up having chemo, radiation and a bone marrow transplant. I am also an optimist and I try to look at the positive of every situation. Now that I have been cancer free for 18 years if I could change the situation I would not. Going through what I have gone through has made me a stronger person and a much stronger person in my faith. I am a born again Christian and I made it through all of this with the help of my heavenly father. Knowing him made it much more easy for me as I know he is in charge of my life and I gave it all to him. I agree with you that you find out what really is important in our lives. It is not the worldly possessions but hugs, smiles and having people who you care about and who care about you. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you the best.
    1624 days ago
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    1624 days ago
    Darling are a VERY wise and wonderful woman. Trust me you have many many YEARS of teaching yet to do on this earth level. Always remember to thank your wise and wonderous body for supporting you and giving you health and happiness..I mean really I talk to my individual organs almost every day! It sound hokey but our psyches named love and encouragement so why not our organs themselves? Don't let yourself go to the "fear' side..Remember we never really die ever..Just move on to another level..Or at least that's what I think.

    Whenever I picture your beautiful face I see radiant and glowing health! Just listen to your gut and ask it what it needs to fully and completely support you back to whole health. Ask do I feel-
    About yet another I feel I need it..or do I feel it's overkill? You don't need to constantly be bombarded with the radiation some of these tests might be causing as assault to your body...are they really necessary for YOU..or do they just give your doctors more information..and what are they going to do-with that information to move you to health?

    You know in your inner being what the best thing is for you, some doctors get crazy with all the tests if you let make your own determinations is all I'm saying my sweet friend.
    Hang onto your own power...doctors can be intimidating if you let them and it worries me they have no background on what health looks like.....only the treatment of disease.

    Your doctors may have years of training but the reason they are doctors is fighting an unnatural state of the body and in my experience it sometimes falls short of allowing the healthy 'natural' state...remember...they put their pants on every morning just one leg at a different than you or I.

    Trust in the wisdom of KAY!!! Ok Nuff said. emoticon

    I say...'It is what it is.....and it IS..all good! emoticon emoticon

    Hugs hugs and MORE hugs!
    1624 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/12/2013 9:47:39 PM
    (((((((((((((((((((((((K A Y )))))))))))))))))))))))))

    gs and Prayers Kay,

    1624 days ago
  • WILDKAT781
    1624 days ago
  • MICHELE142
    Your mantra is one that has been said by many cancer diagnosed patients. Many have been told that cancer sells thrive on Stress. Believe FDR said it well, when he said "We only Fear, Fear itself".
    Cancer does not discriminate by age or gender. It seldom wins over a good fighter. emoticon and we will!
    1624 days ago
    Your mantra is my mantra when people talk about my mother and her dementia. It is, what it is. She will have good days and bad and I can't change it. Wishing and wanting will not change anything but will actually cause me more stress.
    As always, I am amazed at your attitude and your ability to dig deep and approach your cancer head on. I am pleased that you have chosen to hit it head on and not back down. Mind over matter.
    Thanks for the hug. It was my second one of the day.
    Right back at you!! emoticon
    1624 days ago
    1624 days ago
    emoticon to you as well. I will be thinking of you next week when I'm walking the Susan G. Komen 3-Day and pray that you can stay in that place of peace as well as for nothing but good news from here on.
    1624 days ago
  • MISSG180
    Your attitude is an amazing inspiration.

    This remided me of my favorite quote, from Scott Nearing: "Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have."
    1624 days ago
    Well easy for me to say and having read the book even easier but DROP IT! but saying so doesn't make it easy and I know that when I really have to put this in perspective I will have a super hard time. I have done so in the past with 2 really bad things that have happened and yes it does work.
    So glad I read that book, still waiting for the other.
    and here is s soft hug right back at you......... emoticon
    1624 days ago
    "It is what it is"' ; that is how I try to look at my cancer too. Whether I am mad, depressed, happy or sad, I still have to deal with it. It's not going to do me any good to curl up in a ball and cry about it, (though I do have my days where I just have to cry and let it all out) so I try to live my life as normally as I can.

    1624 days ago
  • MAWMAW101
    Dear Kay, what an awesome teacher you are for all of us. Sometimes we forget that is the little things that count. My hope is that you get lots f hugs and smiles every time you need them!
    1624 days ago
    I hope your session will go well today. emoticon
    1624 days ago
    Returning your virtual hug! emoticon
    Thanks for sharing your journey and sharing the lessons.
    1624 days ago
    I'll take your virtual hug and give you one back. (((Hugs)))

    I hope and pray you will be able to stop your fear in its tracks.
    1624 days ago
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