Second session of chemo...thoughts on fear and wanting
Thursday, September 12, 2013
I'm at the Vanderbilt infusion clinic right now waiting for my second chemo session. The first week of chemo went amazingly well. I would love it if it was all that easy. One session down, eleven more to go of this chemo.....and then there will be another kind.
If things go as planned, I'll have my last session of this chemo the day before Thanksgiving here in the US. I'm thinking I could have a lot to be thankful about this year in particular.
The last few days I've been thinking a bit about how fear and wanting are barriers to happiness. It really doesn't matter what the situation is. If my happiness depends on getting something I "want", or if I'm spending time being afraid of something, then I'm denying myself the chance to be happy in the present. Of course it's natural for someone with cancer to want to recover and to experience a lot of feeling of fear along the journey, and I've certainly had my fair share of both these last few days, but it's not where I want to live these next nine months as I go through treatment.
I realize more and more with time, that worry doesn't do anything but make me miserable in the moment. It really doesn't do anything to effect the outcome in a positive way. "It is what it is" has become one of my favorite mantras since getting diagnosed.
One of the things that has been going on with me that has precipitated both fear and wanting is that with all the testing they did on me, they found some nodes on my thyroid that will need to be biopsied. Ninety five percent of the time, nodes like this are benign. I've also been told by both my oncologist and the endocrinologist that it is not usual for breast cancer to migrate to the thyroid. That being said, they want me to have a biopsy the nodes next week. It will probably be another week after that before I know the outcome of the biopsy.
I have a choice of how to spend the next two weeks.......do I live them in fear and wanting? Or do I just let go.....because it is what it is....whatever it is.
My goal is to remind myself each time i feel fear or wanting creeping in, that it's not going to change the outcome of the biopsy results. They will be whatever they are going to be. There is so much beyond my control right now and worry, fear, or wanting something I have no control over isn't going to make the situation any better.
I'll say one thing about cancer....it sure puts things in perspective. It has made me so grateful for the small things in life. I'm so appreciative of every kind word spoken, every smile or hug given and recieved. I've become so aware that those are the really important things in life, the rest is all gravy.
I hope you all have a good Sparking day....with lots of kind words, smiles and perhaps a few hugs along the way.
I'll even give you a virtual hug from me to start you out.....just in case you haven't gotten one today.