Thursday, September 12, 2013
I was here in June and tracked for the first time in months. And the demons over tracking my 2300 calorie day were too hard to suppress after. So I decided that, for then, I wasn't going to consider tracking. I had enough on my plate and was having too hard a time not feeling bad about myself to add that. Denial? Maybe. But it was too hard and too soon.
So I try again now. It is made easier by the fact that my calories yesterday were in range. I want to see if I can, gently, add a few changes to my health. Grief's sharp edges are very slightly blunted. There is a little more space.
Here is the good:
exercise has come back to me. It has been made more difficult by 2 injuries: tennis elbow and a pulled calf muscle from running. But those are active injuries! The calf is good--I got back, minimally on the treadmill and elliptical today. But the elbow...PT starts next week. But the desire to try to exercise is there, where it had been gone for so long.
eating everything in site has changed. For a while--a long while--it was bad. The 24 pounds I wrote I had gained in June has become closer to 30. But my eating is better now. I am considering it (myself) more.
I am spending more time on me. Writing in my journal, praying, walking the shelter dogs as a volunteer, reading. As I have increased my life responsibilities, I have tried to balance it with being gentler on myself when I do not have responsibilities. My garden watering has become a meditative time for me. I am moving slower and more gently--in a good way.
I am trying on this new reality day by day. As my spouse put it, the world is colder and less inviting without my dad. And learning how to function without him or his illness as the center of my gravity is difficult. I am trying to see it eventually becoming a renaissance for my life. I hope to get to do things and experience hope that I have missed the past 6 years. But it requires me to continue to trudge through the grief. But mostly the trudging is less. The depression has eased. I am very grateful for these things.
I continue to struggle with wanting to separate my self esteem from my behaviors. I KNOW that I am not my weight, what I eat, how I work out, my mood. But its a difficult place to get to. It is all so tied up. I wonder how other people separate them?
I hope it's not another 3 months before I write again.
day by day, right?