Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I am much more reasonable today because I was fed at breakfast. I rolled off my bed at 6:45 AM to go downstairs and hopefully get some food. There were eggs so I took about 3 whole egg's worth of scramble and called it a day for protein (1 cup). I still have to get my veggies in so at lunch while everyone got to enjoy minestrone soup and cheesecake, I had a nice pile of lettuce with no dressing. YUM.
I had trouble keeping myself from staring longingly at the bread and my favorite soup and the cheesecake. It's that time when I really crave sweets even though I usually don't like them. It really made me think of the sacrifices I have done in order to lose weight. I practically don't eat at all. And in big conference groups like this where you are forced to mingle and eat meals together, I always have to be the freak eating lettuce again.
But you know what keeps me going? I want it. I want my goal. It's more than I want anything else right now. So that's the difference between getting up and getting that cheesecake and saying 'oh well it's a conference and no one here knows I'm on a diet' to sitting there and being content that I kept to my restrictions.
I remember very clearly how it felt to be 177. I was a shut in. I would hate to leave my house unless for work. At work I would hide in my office. I didn't go shopping. I couldn't make eye contact with myself in the mirror. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I hated my life and myself for letting it get there. I never ever ever want to get back there again. No cheesecake in the world is worth my self respect.
I have one more session later today and then I'm done. My flight is tomorrow and I can return to routine until the next life curve ball. Which seems to be Halloween. Oh god the candy. But you know what's going to be different this Halloween from the last four? I'll be sober and in the 140s. BOOM.
104 days left.