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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I have a problem. Well, I have lots of problems, but here is the current issue: I can’t stand it when my boyfriend looks at other women. Even if it’s a fleeting glance, it still upsets me. He is a good guy and he doesn’t just stare at other women in front of me, but there are boobs and legs and butt cheeks everywhere, and I’m positive that he sees them and likes what he sees. When we are out in public, I try not to even look at him so I don’t see when he looks at other people, especially women. When I do see him look, I hate him. I hate him and I am disgusted by him, but not nearly as disgusted as I am with myself. I don’t know how to deal with this. I have spoken with him a few times about my feelings and I’ve told him how intense they have been. He has been kind to me and tried to understand, and says that we can work on it together. However, I feel absolutely horrified and insanely jealous when he glances at another woman so I need to get this under control.

Let me just say that I don’t think I am afraid of him leaving me for one of the women he looks at, so saying “but he comes home to you,” isn’t helpful. My thoughts about it may not exactly be logical, but I do realize that he’s not trying to leave me for every woman he sees. I just really need help with this. I’m seeing a therapist and I’m going to talk to her about it tomorrow, but I am really torn up about this tonight. Any advice would be welcome.

I posted this last night and got some good feedback but I wanted to post it today so that more people could see and respond. I really do need help so thank you in advance for your advice!
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  • PATTYR81
    I used to be really bothered by that too.

    One day, my fav aunt pointed out to me that glancing/noticing/looking (not flat out staring) is something we ALL do. By nature, we are interested in others (at least at an impersonal, high level).

    I then realized that I DID notice / look/ glance at others around me all the time. And had thoughts too. Like 'I LOVE her hair cut!/ color! She looks really cute!' or 'That shirt looks really cool on that guy!'

    My noticing and random thoughts did NOT mean I wanted to be with that person or even wanted to interact with them in any way. I was just noticing my world. I still do this. I've also started sending out positive thoughts to those who look down/sad/ upset.

    Thinking about 'noticing behaviors' in a positive light instead of as a negative reflection on me helped me alot!

    I hope this helps....

    Happy Day!
    1646 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/12/2013 10:21:53 AM
    I am sorry you deleted my comment. If I hurt or upset you in any way, I am really truly sorry.
    Just talk about it with your therapist, and thank you for sharing your struggles with us. We are here for you too.
    Just know that jealousy is very hard to live with, and it will poison your life and relationship.
    Wishing you the very best and total victory and happiness!!
    Oh Sorry! Misunderstanding!!! I did not read the last paragraph. Good for you to keep your blog current because you need practical help. Hope you find the key for you!!!
    1647 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/12/2013 2:59:04 AM
    You might not like this view either, but it's true 90% of the time, especially with someone who's working on weight issues: It sounds like what you're dealing with is a self-esteem problem. Now, I don't know the particulars of your relationship, but if these are "passing glances" as you said, then he's not ogling random strangers. He's seeing what's around him, like he would see a tree or a child with a balloon or a dog.
    Perhaps he does find other women attractive. Why does that matter? You are not who you are in comparison to someone else. You are you. He is with you. He cares for you.
    Try not to see yourself on some sliding scale beside random strangers. You don't know their stories. You don't know what they look like without their makeup, without their clothes, without your own self-esteem in between. You are beautiful. Not beautiful compared to, not beautiful aside from. YOU are beautiful.
    I recommend along with your therapy that you do some light reading on Zen philosophy. It's helped me a lot with my self-esteem and accepting myself as I am on this part of my journey. I am not the beautiful girl I was before I gained the weight, I am not the beautiful girl I will be when the weight comes back off, I am the beautiful girl I am right now as I walk the path of my life. I'm able to be naked in front of my husband with the lights on for the first time in a long time because of I'm learning not to make judgments on what is, for me or anyone else.
    1647 days ago
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