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LATE NITE 9/10

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria a war, he is calling it a "limited military intervention" which sounds better than "potential endless quagmire." -Jay Leno

Do you have the new iPhone yet, the new iPhone 5? You'd better get the new iPhone 5 because you're not going to see another one for... three, four months. -David Letterman

It's a great day if you like football. Who doesn't? Al-Qaida, that's who doesn't! They say, "Sorry, it's too violent." -Craig Ferguson

Last night a new NFL season began. On Sunday, hundreds of thousands of American men begin five long months of wagering their hard-earned money so they can buy their wives that Valentine's Day gift. -Jimmy Kimmel

John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts? -Jay Leno

On Sunday, more than 1,500 people set a world record by holding the largest gathering of redheads in history, marking the first event that nearly got canceled due to sun. -Jimmy Fallon

The NFL season kicked off last night. Football is for people who can't stand politics but still enjoy watching millionaires destroy each other. -Craig Ferguson
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