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late nite funnies - 9/9

Monday, September 09, 2013

Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody. -Jay Leno

Tim Robbins, the star of "The Shawshank Redemption," has begun teaching acting to inmates at a California prison. In a related story, 800 prisoners have just tunneled out of that California prison. -Conan O'Brien

Scientists in England say telling a lie gives compulsive liars a "high" similar to that of taking drugs. Wow! And let me say, you guys are a great audience. I'm just very happy to be here. I love CBS. -Craig Ferguson

A 5-year-old boy in China has become the youngest person ever to fly an airplane. In about an hour from now, people are hoping he will become the youngest person to LAND an airplane. -Conan O'Brien

You can now buy a coffin that has a $30,000 stereo system. That's right. You can be buried in a coffin with a stereo system that costs $30,000. Or you can just bury the $30,000. It's the same thing. -Dave Letterman

An 80-year-old weightlifter has been banned from the sport for two years after he was caught using steroids at a competition. Officials became suspicious that he was using steroids when he was an 80-year-old man in a weightlifting competition. -Jimmy Fallon
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