Monday, September 09, 2013
I had an aha moment today. I was listening to SparkRadio, and someone mentioned something about focusing on how good you would *feel* as you lost weight. And for a minute I thought, well of course. I was actually pretty thin until my late 20s. I can REMEMBER how great that felt, and I want to feel that way again.
Except...I realize that it did NOT actually feel great being thin. It could have, but it didn't.
When I was 14 and weighed 107 pounds, I "knew" that I was 2 pounds overweight and would feel great if only I could get there. (In reality, I was a few pounds UNDERweight.)
When I was 17 and weighed 111 pounds, I "knew" that I was 1 pound overweight and would feel great if only I could get there. (I was STILL medically underweight at this time.)
When I was 28 and blossomed up to a still healthy 135, I was convinced I had at LEAST 20 pounds to lose.
When I was 29 and had a BMI of 23.8, an Army National Guard recruiter told me that I would have to "shed a few" to go into the National Guard. I now had government PROOF that I was fat.
In between, there were times when I felt pretty good about my weight. My body was drawing attention, and I liked that. (In reality, much of the attention it was drawing was from people I was better off NOT impressing.) Instead, I fretted over my hair and make-up, which I felt had to be just "so" in order to be pretty. And it was important to be very pretty because... um....
Flash forward to now: I have been blessed with three beautiful children, reasonably good health, and the love of a good man. I want to lose weight because I'm tired of being tired all the time. I want to get my blood pressure down before they start medicating me, and I want to get my weight under control so that I don't develop diabetes. Sure, I'd like to dress a little cuter. And yes, I'd like my darling husband to see me looking svelte in something other than photographs! But I don't NEED to be thin to be worthy. (And I certainly don't need to weigh 105, or 110 or even 115!)
Which circles back to my original point...I need to stop trying to REMEMBER how good it felt to be thin. (Or at least, I need to acknowledge the negative feelings that are stirred in with the good memories.) Now is the time to start IMAGINING how good a healthy weight will feel now, and APPRECIATING what I already have.
Just one step closer to figuring this out, I suppose!