Monday, September 09, 2013
Well I have been hiding away from Spark for a while, I peek in and out every now and then and I am not sticking to anything. I feel very overwhelmed and when I feel overwhelmed I feel helpless and hopeless. I have been pretty depressed for quite some time and I guess this is my public cry for help. I am just going to spill the beans and get it all out because I can't keep making excuses or hiding behind a fake smile. When I smile, I want it to be genuine, not put on to seem like I am feeling great, when I am in fact feeling terrible. My fiance' wrecked my car while the whole family was inside of it. I was the only one hurt, with bulging disks in my back, a neck sprain, horrible muscle spasms in my back and neck, and a concussion I was sent home with a prescription for Vicodin and Flexeril. I had taken it before, but my mistake was taking it this time, during a time where I was depressed and felt lonely. My fiance' was working from sun up until we lay our heads down to try to make extra money for a new car. We did not have full coverage when it came to our own vehicle. I began to feel very alone, though I really was in pain, it caused more pain then it helped, once I realized I was in fact addicted.
Painting the picture for you, I was home alone all day and night, my only 2 real friends (ones that would actually care to come hang out with me) also had car troubles at the same time. I have a 5 year old boy and a 10 month old girl, and we were all trapped in the house with no vehicle all Summer long. We lived by a park which is the only place we did go unless my mom came to bring us grocery shopping. Though the kids and I didn't really like walking to the park because it was terribly hot here in Florida, and sweaty hot kids = miserable. My daughter would be soaked in sweat and fussing, my son would want me to piggy back him home while I pushed the stroller, it was a nightmare. I did not have a living room yet because we are working on the house (we bought it) and it is more like a construction site. With open boxes that need cabinet doors, I went about my days doing the best I could to keep the children fed and entertained while keeping up with house chores and studying. Mind you, that may sound easy, but try entertaining a ten month old that just wants to crawl and walk, but you can't let her because the floors are unfinished. Yes they have been like that for some time, because my fiance is doing everything himself and he has been working so much that he can't get to everything.
So as I started taking the Vicodin, for some reason, it made the situation easier.....better. I was instantly happy, full of energy, and not only did I get my chores, studying done, and take care of the children, but I did it HAPPILY. I no longer felt lonely or depressed, I didn't feel the fatigue that the depression brought on. I felt like I could tackle any and anything, and I did it all with a smile on my face. It was like a happy to do anything pill. I started out only needing a half, then it progressed to a whole, and then to two a day. I probably would have taken more if it didn't make it impossible for me to sleep at night. As I write this I am ashamed and embarrassed that I let it happen. I am the type that never understood people who took pills, or who were addicted to other drugs. So there I was, everyday taking them, and in addition, it made me ravenously hungry. I wanted to eat everything, sweets, high carb, cheesy foods. I lost 42 pounds with my daughter and I started to pack it back on. Not on the scale, because I was losing muscle (couldn't get to the gym with no vehicle) and gaining fat. So as I weighed myself the numbers didn't change much, but my pants got tighter, and my confidence got lower.
Today is my first day without them. I barely moved off the couch, reason I did is because I have to go get my son from school. I am tired and not really depressed, but overwhelmed. My fiance bought me a car last weekend, so I have a way to get out now. Been going back to the gym, and trying to get myself back. Myself before I became a miserable mess with a magic pill to fix it. I will say that I am very hot and sweaty today, and just feel very exhausted and run down. Kind of binged this morning, trying to turn it around now. I really don't know why I am putting this out there, I guess I am just looking for some strength, they say strength in numbers right? I know some people will read this and start judging, or telling me what I did wrong, and I know that. I know people are wired to make judgments about others, all I ask is that you keep the negativity to yourself, that's not what I am here for. I need some uplifting, I need encouragement, maybe even some stories from others who have dealt with this. I just want to get it off my chest and start a new. I need help, and I can't go somewhere for it because I don't have anyone available to watch the kids. This place has been my only support system for years, so this is where I am right now. My confession, my cry for help.