Confession of Depression & Addiction & Withdraws

Monday, September 09, 2013

Well I have been hiding away from Spark for a while, I peek in and out every now and then and I am not sticking to anything. I feel very overwhelmed and when I feel overwhelmed I feel helpless and hopeless. I have been pretty depressed for quite some time and I guess this is my public cry for help. I am just going to spill the beans and get it all out because I can't keep making excuses or hiding behind a fake smile. When I smile, I want it to be genuine, not put on to seem like I am feeling great, when I am in fact feeling terrible. My fiance' wrecked my car while the whole family was inside of it. I was the only one hurt, with bulging disks in my back, a neck sprain, horrible muscle spasms in my back and neck, and a concussion I was sent home with a prescription for Vicodin and Flexeril. I had taken it before, but my mistake was taking it this time, during a time where I was depressed and felt lonely. My fiance' was working from sun up until we lay our heads down to try to make extra money for a new car. We did not have full coverage when it came to our own vehicle. I began to feel very alone, though I really was in pain, it caused more pain then it helped, once I realized I was in fact addicted.

Painting the picture for you, I was home alone all day and night, my only 2 real friends (ones that would actually care to come hang out with me) also had car troubles at the same time. I have a 5 year old boy and a 10 month old girl, and we were all trapped in the house with no vehicle all Summer long. We lived by a park which is the only place we did go unless my mom came to bring us grocery shopping. Though the kids and I didn't really like walking to the park because it was terribly hot here in Florida, and sweaty hot kids = miserable. My daughter would be soaked in sweat and fussing, my son would want me to piggy back him home while I pushed the stroller, it was a nightmare. I did not have a living room yet because we are working on the house (we bought it) and it is more like a construction site. With open boxes that need cabinet doors, I went about my days doing the best I could to keep the children fed and entertained while keeping up with house chores and studying. Mind you, that may sound easy, but try entertaining a ten month old that just wants to crawl and walk, but you can't let her because the floors are unfinished. Yes they have been like that for some time, because my fiance is doing everything himself and he has been working so much that he can't get to everything.

So as I started taking the Vicodin, for some reason, it made the situation easier.....better. I was instantly happy, full of energy, and not only did I get my chores, studying done, and take care of the children, but I did it HAPPILY. I no longer felt lonely or depressed, I didn't feel the fatigue that the depression brought on. I felt like I could tackle any and anything, and I did it all with a smile on my face. It was like a happy to do anything pill. I started out only needing a half, then it progressed to a whole, and then to two a day. I probably would have taken more if it didn't make it impossible for me to sleep at night. As I write this I am ashamed and embarrassed that I let it happen. I am the type that never understood people who took pills, or who were addicted to other drugs. So there I was, everyday taking them, and in addition, it made me ravenously hungry. I wanted to eat everything, sweets, high carb, cheesy foods. I lost 42 pounds with my daughter and I started to pack it back on. Not on the scale, because I was losing muscle (couldn't get to the gym with no vehicle) and gaining fat. So as I weighed myself the numbers didn't change much, but my pants got tighter, and my confidence got lower.

Today is my first day without them. I barely moved off the couch, reason I did is because I have to go get my son from school. I am tired and not really depressed, but overwhelmed. My fiance bought me a car last weekend, so I have a way to get out now. Been going back to the gym, and trying to get myself back. Myself before I became a miserable mess with a magic pill to fix it. I will say that I am very hot and sweaty today, and just feel very exhausted and run down. Kind of binged this morning, trying to turn it around now. I really don't know why I am putting this out there, I guess I am just looking for some strength, they say strength in numbers right? I know some people will read this and start judging, or telling me what I did wrong, and I know that. I know people are wired to make judgments about others, all I ask is that you keep the negativity to yourself, that's not what I am here for. I need some uplifting, I need encouragement, maybe even some stories from others who have dealt with this. I just want to get it off my chest and start a new. I need help, and I can't go somewhere for it because I don't have anyone available to watch the kids. This place has been my only support system for years, so this is where I am right now. My confession, my cry for help.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NIKIZ628
    I am so sad that I JUST now saw this blog, friend! :( This just breaks my heart that you are suffering so much! You are an amazing person and have always been there to support me. I know you can overcome anything that blocks your way! You may have hit the bottom, but in my experience, that's the best thing to use to push off of and head back up. You can send me a msg anytime, I will try to be on here more!! Hang in there!
    1601 days ago
    Thank you very much, thank goodness for my mother, I told her the truth about it and she is very understanding. She brought me some natural organic detox pills from our natural organic products store, also a natural inflammatory, and took the kids for a few hours so I can lift myself up and get my head together. I am going to stay strong, I told my fiance the truth as well so that there is no guilt or secrets of this anymore. I am already starting to feel better, I am sure this is much harder for people with more serious addictions or longer periods of taking them. I only took them for 3 months, but 3 months too long.
    1625 days ago
    You are on the right track to getting YOU back! Keep up the great work and your whole family will benefit! emoticon emoticon
    1625 days ago
  • ANGIE121
    Hey there girly! I'm not here to bash you at all....Honey you are human and WE ALL make mistakes! PLease always know this! The beauty of your addiction is you realize it! That's awesome! I'm happy you have a car again that will make a world of difference. I have something i can share with you that has really helped me. I have not been addicted to anything really...I have had my bout w/ Drugs and alcohol going thru my teenage years by ALL MEANs and when my husband committed suicide when our daughter was only 1.5 years I started taking sleeping pills (ALOT OF THEM) like 10-15 a night. I get my strength and guidance thru Jesus Christ and my support buddies on here (sparks) plus a lot of great friends and family. But i was embarrassed and didnt want people to know. I started to pray on it and it really helped. I was recently diagnosed w/ Stage 1 Breast Cancer. I have had 6 surgeries (including a double mastectomy) Chemo had to shave my head and really sucked........BUT it also gave me a 2nd chance of life and a new attitude on how to live life healthy....It was sad i kinda got excited because i thought the CHemo would help me loose my appetite and loose a bunch of weight.......NOT!!!! lol but reality did hit me when i was praying. I have 1 daughter shes now 14 going to 15 next month )Lord help me teenage years are really hard) BUt i showed her (thru the cancer) how to be strong and courageous, but i was still fat and not showing her a healthy lifestyle. So her and I made a pact to do it together I have been working out and tracking everything i eat on SP and logging all my excersize and joining little groups to encourage myself. Look up some motivational stories on here they are great! If you ever need a encouragement bddie im here and Ill help u in any way i can......You can do this ! For yourself #1 and for your beautiful babies! Be the best MOm and YOU you can be! God bless you
    1625 days ago
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