Monday, September 09, 2013
The old cliche - the first step is the hardest - is so true. So here I am, making myself take that first scary step. Why? Well I recently took a family vacation. I had a wonderful time, but was constantly reminded of what I could not do.. Where I couldn't sit.. Where I couldn't walk.. How I struggled to keep up with my family. I knew then I needed to do something... But what?
I've struggled since age 24 with my weight. It appeared suddenly as in overnight almost. I gained 50 pounds in less than a year and nothing in my life had changed. I was in graduate school and working full time so I chalked it up to stress and bad habits. I tried weight watchers. Practically starved myself. Exercised.. Not one pound came off. In fact I think I gained weight. I knew something was wrong with my body, but what? I visited doctors and no solutions. I've spent 20 some odd years now looking for answers as my health has slid downhill.
I still don't have answers - I do have some diagnoses and hunches. Not that it matters. I've lost interest in the how did this happen? What is wrong with me? Now I'm just trying to figure out how to fix it. To be honest I have no idea if anything I try will work. My metabolism seems non existent. My endurance at an all time low. I'm plagued with pain, stiffness and a debilitating fatigue that at times is bone deep -- like I could sleep for days. The fatigue reaches points where I can't even think straight.
But none if that improves my situation. Knowing I have xyz wrong doesn't remove it. Whatever is wrong, the medical community obviously doesn't have a solution. I've realized as I've searched for answers my health continued to slide. If I keep trotting down that path then logic dictates my health will continue downhill. So I've got to try and at the very least maintain where I am. So that's where I am. I've decided to make myself move and exercise regardless of the fatigue and pain. At least if I'm exhausted and sore it'll be for a good cause.
I wish I could be positive about this. Cheerlead and say you can do it -- you can lose weight. But I don't think it's possible. So I'm not even going to go there. I'm just going to put one foot in front if the other and go. It's going to be part of my day whether it results in weight lost or not. If the only benefit is greater endurance, then so be it. I need that too!
The other thing I noticed and had to face today is the shame I feel. When asked to link to my Facebook page I felt panic! Oh no, I don't want anyone to know about this. I know irrational. Like my friends and family can't see I'm 200 pounds overweight .. Haha. But for now, I'm in the closet. I'm going to do this my way. And for now I don't want people watching. I don't want to worry bout anything but myself and making myself do this. Maybe not the best mental attitude, but that's where I'm at right now. And that's real. And this time I'm going to keep it real and honest with myself.