Monday, September 09, 2013
It goes without saying that if youíre an actor, youíre not usually your authentic self. Duh right? Lately, Iíve been really trying to embrace my authentic self, embrace the REAL MissB8604. Sure, Iíve been reverting back to old ways (i.e., drinking soda, overeating, gossiping) but I think it takes time to kill old habits and a heck of a lot of patience. Instead of focusing on the bad things about myself, I think itís better (albeit, harder) to focus on the good things. Soda is a rare occurrence, which is great! However, my overeating could use a complete overhaul and my gossiping has been ridiculous lately. When I act on those negative compulsions, what am I trying to accomplish? Am I making those around me better? Am I making myself a better person? NO. In my current show, weíve had a lot of drama/friction surrounding one particular cast member and I am now to the point where Iím exhausted with it. This person enters a room and the entire mood changes. The room gets heavier, oppressive. They get preferential treatment from the production team, complain about everything and make everyone else walk on eggshells just for them. This person is an EASY target for gossip not only because of how they treat others, but simply because they are who they are. Just like everyone else, I have been playing right into because of past experiences with this person when I promised myself at the beginning of this process that I wouldnít. I let myself down and I am embarrassed by how Iíve handled things. As far as I know this person isnít aware of my idiocy, but that still doesnít make it right.
I just want to be a better person. I want embrace the person I am, love that person. Iím working on accepting my physical faults (i.e., my belly, the discoloration on parts of my body, my lisp) but man is it a long time in coming. Like most people, I have days when I donít care and days when I just want to crawl in bed and sleep it away. Iíve changed my entire life by loosing 100lbs (despite gaining 25lbs back), but what about the mental part? Where did I go wrong with that? Why am I still doing/saying things I would have said a few years ago? Why canít I treat others how I want to be treated? Why canít I keep my diva sized mouth shut? This CANNOT be my authentic self and if it is, I donít want it to be. Iím not even sure why Iím writing this blog, but so many things have been weighing heavily on my mind that I guess I need to get it out rather than letting it fester.
Just because Iím an actor doesnít mean I can keep denying my authentic self, the GOOD person I am and strive to be. I shouldnít have to act to be the person that I feel I can be, I need to accept who I am and if I have traits I donít particularly like, try to work on them. Thereís nothing like knowing a person with traits you donít like to make you take a hard look at yourself.