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Self-Loathing and Fighting Back

Sunday, September 08, 2013

As some of you may have seen, I posted a status message on Friday evening that wasn't very positive or pretty. In fact in was riding on the edge of scary at least for me. I have been having some serious doubts about my current journey, who I am and what I can accomplish and I was seeing no point in continuing my journey to better health. Now this isn't to say that I was going to go out and binge eat and make myself fat with all of the health issues that go along with being overweight. But I was seriously thinking of not worrying if I exercised or not, not worrying about how many calories or carbs or proteins or veggies I consumed. Just eat what I wanted.

Why was I doing this? Because no matter how carefully I ate or how much I exercised or how well I did anything it just wasn't good enough, it just wasn't working. This was becoming beyond pointless. Even after doing everything "right" for an extended period of time I gained 7 pounds between 7/29 and 9/7. No it wasn't muscle and things weren't improving inside. The scale number was going up, the measuring tape numbers were going up, my clothes were fitting snugger than before, all as if I was eating whatever I wanted and not exercising. What is the point?

Add to this, I was on day 25 of a 30 day squat challenge and was excited because I could see the end, I could see the finish line for this challenge and I was stoked. I was going to make it, I was going to accomplish something for myself! Then... on squat 161 of 210 extreme pain in my thigh. I waited a couple minutes, I drank some water, I took some deep breathes and thought positive thoughts then I slowly tried to do another squat. I eeked out 4 more with extreme pain and stopped. I hoped I would be fine the next morning and it would just be a small setback. WRONG! It was the end of the squat challenge, it was another FAIL for me. The next morning I was still in pain, I had to very, VERY slowly try to walk down the stairs in my house and then make my way back upstairs. I could tell it wasn't going to be a short term setback. I was done. I figured, yes I can't do the squat challenge or anything with my lower body until my leg heals but I can still do my upper body strength training, I will focus on that. Then I pulled out the weights and looked at my schedule of what I was supposed to do that day and realized everything although not focused on the lower body did incorporate it so that was a no-go. I gave it a couple of days and planned to try again but the fates were against me, I sliced a gash in my finger at work so not only could I not use my lower body but I couldn't even grip a dumbbell, kettlebell, barbell... nothing!

All of what I have mentioned above brought back many things I had hoped were stowed tightly in the past. The memories of not being good enough, thin enough, smart enough, fast enough, you name it, I wasn't it. I didn't hear these things from my family not that I heard positives either but I am not going to use this to bash on my family or anyone else. But when I was younger it was beaten into me that I just wasn't good enough for anything. Failing (in my mind) at losing those last 10 pounds (which is now 18 pounds), losing the flabby sections of my body, completing the squat challenge so I could be proud of myself and then start a plank challenge along with other stressors and negatives in my life right now, brought all of that doubt and self loathing back. I realized this was happening when I read two blogs on Spark that were beautiful, wonderful blogs but each had a line or more in them as criticisms of me. Now I know looking back that this was beyond stupid because they were nothing to do with me, they were personal blogs from two of Sparks great members. But I took them to heart.... I decided I wasn't worth all the effort and why would anyone love me if I couldn't even love myself.

I knew deep down that giving up was not the answer but it was such a strong and powerful force and I have been fighting for pretty much everything in my life for so long that I just didn't feel like I could fight anymore. I was on the verge. I posted that status message just as an outlet, not even as a plea for help because in the state I was in I never thought anyone would even read my status update. I was wrong! Some wonderful Spark Friends read that status and immediately jumped in to try to help. I got messages, I got goodies, I got encouragement, I got motivational quotes, I got caring wonderful words, some from people I had never talked to before. I was and am still in awe of how wonderful the people here can be. But as wonderful as all of that was and is, I knew I had to do something. This is my journey and no matter how willing my Spark Friends are to help, they can't do this for me. As I lay in bed Saturday morning thinking about everything and reading and rereading the words of many of you, I started to look at the pieces one by one.

Step one.... I took myself out to my Happy Place and tried to find my Happy. I hiked the hills, I lay on a giant rock in the sun overlooking the waves, I watched the gulls, I closed my eyes and absorbed the sounds and the smells, I blocked out the negative words of people having conversations as they walked by. I took photos of things I already have hundreds of photos of simply because I love the place and I love photography. I ignored the name and all of the things on my to-do list for the weekend, I just relaxed and let it all go so I could find my happy. I started the journey....

I made Saturday a day all about me. I even sat down and watched a movie while I sipped a glass of wine and just relaxed and let myself have the day. I joined a new SparkTeam that I happened to notice on a friend's page; a team dedicated to loving yourself and being positive and all of the things I am struggling with right now. I ate what I wanted and almost all of it was healthy anyway. I snuggled my little girl and laughed with my little boy. I slept! I found a great photo that became the background on my phone so I see it every single time I pick up my phone....

and I AM awesome!!

I woke up in a good mood this morning and then discovered I had more messages and goodies waiting for me from the great people of SparkVille. Then I lay there and just thought about my journey from start to where I am now and I looked at my stats and trends of weight and inches gained and lost and made some discoveries. What I am doing is not working, it did for a little while but that time has passed. When I was doing the best on this journey was in November and December, the numbers were slowly but steadily decreasing, I was more fit, more active and felt better, what I was doing was working. Shortly after that I hit some brick walls with my health that are completely unrelated to this journey, I refer to them on my SparkPage. From that point on emotions took over and I couldn't stop eating "bad" things. I would go to the store to buy healthy foods, fruits, veggies, things I enjoyed and would come home with those things AND some cookies or peanut butter or whatever. I couldn't handle my eating and I had to fact that and recover from that emotional eating so I joined MediFast so I didn't have to go to the grocery store as often and only to very limited sections of the store. It worked for a while with some drawbacks, less energy, less food, less exercise or none at times, less fiber, you get the picture. Recently I have noticed a few changes that I wonder if are side effects of being on a plan such as MediFast. I have no way of knowing and being on it did serve it's purpose for a while so I won't bash or speak badly of the plan. It does have it's merits for some people, it has just run it's course with me. So as I indulged myself and continued the "me" time from Saturday and planted myself in the hot tub to let the hot water and jets work their magic on the weeks of tension built up in my muscles and then I made a decision. I am going to go backwards, yes I said BACKWARDS, and start eating and exercising more like I did back in November and December. Of course it is going to take me some time to build my endurance back up to the level that it was since I didn't get there overnight the first time. For the first bit of time, hopefully not too long, I will need to work in some of my remaining MF meals until they are gone or close to it but I am here and now declaring that I am getting off of MF ASAP. Dinners for the upcoming week are in the crock pot as I type, my healthy snacks and sides are portioned out and ready to go in the fridge. I have two pitchers of my special freggie water chilling and ready to go into my bottles for work tomorrow. I WILL DO THIS!!

To all of you who gave me suggestions, quotes, goodies, positive and caring words, encouragement and have stood by my side through thick and thin, you are amazing and wonderful and you are what make the journey's and struggles do able!

Thank you SparkVille for believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself!

A final couple of notes to myself and anyone else who is struggling ....

Many thanks, hugs and love to EVERYONE in SparkVille!!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, what a beautiful story . I can really relate to your blog and yes I too sometimes read blogs and feel that those criticism where directed to me personally so you are not alone in that aspect. I gather that all of us at one point or another get to that point in our journeys. Just part of the process. When the accident with my legs occurred I just finished college the week prior. After 10 years in Medical Study and had an Externship Offer at one of the best hospitals in Chicago , I was beyond devastated both mentally and physically- mind you that I am Grandma finishing collage. I felt like such a FAILURE . That Externship was a chance to prove to all of the people that looked down upon me in life that I was a not LOSER . The road back to walking - then became my life - I no longer look back . I am so grateful to walk again and for some reason truly believe that I am in a better place mentally now than I was prior to the accident - I learned just how strong I really was and really began to put Old Ghost to rest . Your are Awesome , my friend - I am so glad that we meet - Hugs Karen emoticon
    1508 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/28/2013 4:17:21 PM
    WOW!!! This is an emoticon blog. emoticon . I felt all your emotions with you and I'm sorry that you went through that bad period but I'm sooooo happy that you came out of it shining the way that you are. emoticon emoticon because you are STRONG and you are emoticon .
    1520 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/16/2013 10:18:19 PM
  • CAROL_31649731
    Powerful blog!! Love the quotes, too. emoticon emoticon
    1521 days ago
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    1524 days ago
    I'm so proud that you fearlessly fell before your spark family, and that you took some time to just love yourself. You have no idea how warm my heart feels in reading that. There's so much to be said about the notion of "failing forward". I hope you always realize your self worth, and spring back into action at those thoughts. I definitely think you're worth it. Have a great weekend!!! :-D
    1546 days ago
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    1549 days ago
    So glad you took that Saturday to center yourself again. I have had so many obstacles thrown in my path so I know how discouraging it can be. You are better and stronger than any of those obstacles!
    1550 days ago
    WOW! You inspire me.
    1555 days ago
  • BRADMILL2922

    This is one of the most open, honest, and REAL blogs that I have ever come across on SP! I put emphasis on REAL becsuse you most certainly are. You openend up with your struggles and your triumphs in just this one blog. You have the passion and the attitude to do anything you set your mind to and that comes across in this blog.

    I know the squat challenge setback was hard. I know injuries suck. I know you have been through a lot of difficult times with your health in general. I know that I can't really pretend how all of that feels but I do know that I BELIEVE IN YOU! I believe that you can do this! I believe that if you think it is best to go backwards, that you will go backwards and you WILL find what works for you again!

    Sometimes tweaks are necessary. Sometimes going backwards can be the first step in going forward. We can get so lost in the every day grind of this thing that we forget about taking care of ourselves. Taking the time out to tell yourself that YOU ARE WORTH IT! You obviously are loved and have a lot of support behind you in whatever your choices are moving forward from here!

    You are strong. You are a fighter! Look at your page background! I am one of many who have your back and I am happy to call you a true friend! You keep up that fight Iron Girl or you shall have to answer to Iron Man! ;)

    1557 days ago
    Really glad to hear you are feeling better & that you took the time to listen to yourself and your needs. This was a good blog for me to read today, as I struggle with getting back on track at the moment. I know they say it's easier to keep going than to start over, but I think sometimes we need that fresh start reevaluate where we've been, where we are, and where we want to go & update our plans for how to get there. I wish u good luck and success getting to where you want to be! Sounds like you have found the right path again :)
    1557 days ago
    This blog is amazing, I hope it earns a Spark Reward so others can see it. I found it becuase a SparkFriend of mine had commented on it and I'm glad I did!

    I have felt like this up and down. I felt like I've been exactly where you have been so many times in my life and finding that Spark to get back up, evaluate what you did and then move forward and conquer is such a great feeling! I'm glad you reached out and in return received such wonderful response from your community on here:)

    I was upset after a program that worked wonders for me (TurboFire) about 4 months into it just wasn't working for me as it had before. I still love it but I have just realized that I'm just going to have to switch things up (as reccomended anyway so IDK why it came as such a depressing letdown and shock to me) and try something else. I ordered T25 last night and I found something that I really want to try for end of winter so that when T25 starts working as Turbo did for me I have something else to look forward too.
    1557 days ago
    I'm so happy to see you are feeling inspired again. Our journey is a process...of learning what works, what our specific body needs and how to cope with the emotional roller coaster that continues despite our successes or setbacks.

    Please be patient with yourself as you make the conversion from MF to your new routine. It is possible you will put pounds on just because you'll be building new muscle and the body's adjustment. Make sure you measure today so you can use that as an additional benchmark. And as always, water, water, water.

    You can do this and are so very worth it.

    P.S. if you have a moment, would love to hear more about the autoimmune disorders you were diagnosed with. My oldest DD was diagnosed with POTS and has been having a rough time lately.
    1557 days ago

    We are so very hard on ourselves, aren't we.
    I am really happy that you've turned this around. We truly can do this!

    Love you, Ginger emoticon
    1557 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    1557 days ago
    You are amazing and I am so glad you are feeling better! I am so sorry those injuries got in your way and the scale was such a jerk to you! But you are so strong and I am glad you are seeing how amazing and how strong you are and how much you deserve this! emoticon
    1557 days ago
    I'm glad you got the passion back! It really shines through your words.

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    1558 days ago
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