Sunday, September 08, 2013
Tomorrow I will be 33.
Starting Tuesday I'm cutting out all pop again and bad foods and going back to my fibromyalgia. you would think since i had it since i was 20 i would learn but when your stressed out and everyone's sick or dying its really hard not to turn to a box of chicken nuggets.
It's really hard not to turn to a box of chicken nuggets on a day like today when my heart is aching and im feeling really low and sad because everyone in my family got invited to my cousins wedding but me. it makes me feel worthless to see on facebook how my brothers wife that i have tried since 2010 to make a friendship with is all nicey and kisseyface with my cousins she just met yesterday pretty much. Or when both of my uncles are dying or when my grandmas memory is getting worse and im stuck dealing with it alone. or when the world feels like its caving in...
I know I'm an adult and it prob shouldn't bother me, but it does and I cant help that. I wish I knew how to fix that feeling. No one likes feeeling like they don't matter. like life is out of their hands. it makes me feel like i did when i was a little girl being hit and molested by my parent. it hurts and it sucks to feel powerless and worthless
I feel like no one would care if I woke up and like no one would even notice if I did die.
What a great feeling for my 33 birthday tomorrow.
My brother jokingly said he would make a cake with poop on it saying i always wanted to sh::t on you.
funny he caught it on spot. that is how i feel. like life crapped on me.
I need God so much. I pray daily but I feel like he has deserted me but I cant give up on God because hes all i really have.
Looks like a very Unhappy Birthday to me.
Oh well. Depression Sucks. Bit ill make it thru i really have no choice because a bottle of pills wont really do any good because my grandma needs me to be her maid.
I wish I could be positive and believe I could make it thru this but I'm honestly so tired of fighting to be ok.
God claims to love me. SO where is he?
I feel so alone.