15,000-19,999 SparkPoints 18,820

UnHappy Birthday To Me

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Tomorrow I will be 33.
Starting Tuesday I'm cutting out all pop again and bad foods and going back to my fibromyalgia. you would think since i had it since i was 20 i would learn but when your stressed out and everyone's sick or dying its really hard not to turn to a box of chicken nuggets.

It's really hard not to turn to a box of chicken nuggets on a day like today when my heart is aching and im feeling really low and sad because everyone in my family got invited to my cousins wedding but me. it makes me feel worthless to see on facebook how my brothers wife that i have tried since 2010 to make a friendship with is all nicey and kisseyface with my cousins she just met yesterday pretty much. Or when both of my uncles are dying or when my grandmas memory is getting worse and im stuck dealing with it alone. or when the world feels like its caving in...

I know I'm an adult and it prob shouldn't bother me, but it does and I cant help that. I wish I knew how to fix that feeling. No one likes feeeling like they don't matter. like life is out of their hands. it makes me feel like i did when i was a little girl being hit and molested by my parent. it hurts and it sucks to feel powerless and worthless

I feel like no one would care if I woke up and like no one would even notice if I did die.
What a great feeling for my 33 birthday tomorrow.
My brother jokingly said he would make a cake with poop on it saying i always wanted to sh::t on you.
funny he caught it on spot. that is how i feel. like life crapped on me.

I need God so much. I pray daily but I feel like he has deserted me but I cant give up on God because hes all i really have.
Looks like a very Unhappy Birthday to me.

Oh well. Depression Sucks. Bit ill make it thru i really have no choice because a bottle of pills wont really do any good because my grandma needs me to be her maid.

I wish I could be positive and believe I could make it thru this but I'm honestly so tired of fighting to be ok.

God claims to love me. SO where is he?
I feel so alone.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon emoticon
    1471 days ago
  • 3016DEBRA
    emoticon emoticon I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday & pray you find joy soon!
    1471 days ago
    I read your birthday blog first so found out you are feeling better.
    God bless you. He loves you so much and understands you better than any one else in the world.
    The two Great Commandments that Jesus gave us in the New Testament.
    (1) Love the Lord your God with all of your being and the
    (2) is To love others as you love yourself. So you have to love yourself before you can love others.
    I had setbacks in my childhood but when I found God my life turned around. I have never been sorry for dedicating my life to Him and to those on the mission field.

    1472 days ago
    So sorry you are feeling so alone..... is there a church in your area that you can plug into.... a trusted friend..... the local mental health center..... there are places that you can go that folks WILL hold your hand as you go through this challenge in your like .
    YOU are worth IT!!! emoticon
    1472 days ago
    I`m sorry you are going through all of this ;( But believe me you are not alone emoticon You are a strong person and you don`t have to let your familly let you down. And always remember that:

    1. There are at least two people in this world
    that you would die for.

    2. At least 15 people in this world
    love you in some way.

    3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
    is because they want to be just like you.

    4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
    even if they don't like you.

    5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you
    before they go to sleep.

    6. You mean the world to someone.

    7. You are special and unique.

    8. Someone that you don't even know loves you.

    9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
    something good will come from it.

    10. When you think the world has
    turned its back on you, take another look.

    11. Always remember the compliments you received.
    Forget about the rude remarks.
    And always remember.....
    When life hands you lemons,
    Ask for gin and tonic and invite me over!

    I would rather have one rose and a kind word
    from a friend while I'm here
    than a whole truck load when I'm gone.

    Happy B-day dear! Hugs and kisses ;)
    1472 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/10/2013 3:16:23 AM
    Just want to share two thoughts with you:

    -"When you are going through difficulty and wonder where GOD is, remember that the teacher is always quiet during the test."~unknown; and

    -The power is IN you to make your goals happen, the Creator put it in all of us!

    Hang in there! You CAN do this! emoticon emoticon
    1473 days ago
    God has three answers when you ask Him something: yes, no, and wait. He has told you that it's time to wait. If you have a Bible, read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. This is what I go to when I feel like you are. It reminds me that life balances out, that I will be happy again. If I lean on Him, I get better. I remember that He loves me and He loves you, too.
    1473 days ago
    I'm SO sorry about what you had to endure as a child and what you are still living with as an adult from the people that are supposed to care the most. Obviously there are mental health issues in your family that you have no control over.

    All you can do is take care of yourself. Don't abandon God, keep talking to Him. Get involved at church, surround yourself with good, caring people.

    Hide or unfriend those family members on facebook. Reading that stuff will just keep hurting you. Walk away from the computer and do something good for yourself!

    Happy Birthday!
    1473 days ago
    1473 days ago
  • FRAN0426
    I'm sure you have heard the saying--you can choose your friends but not your family. Don't let these people get to you, it isn't doing you any good. God hasn't abandoned you, he has a plan for each of us and only gives us what we can handle--even if we don't see it that way. You said you need to be your grandmas maid, look at it as spending precious time with someone you have loved your entire life. the one who can change you is you--take control of the things that matter to you. I'm sorry you have many problems to deal with at present; your uncles situation, your grandmas momory loss--and I don't understand why your the only on dealing with your grandmas problem, is the rest of the family not helping, this shouldn't be something you should be dealing with alone.
    Lastly, please do try and enjoy your birthday tomorrow, it is your special day once every year,You try very hard to make positive changes to help you. Tomorrow emoticon
    1473 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1473 days ago

    Have a emoticon anyway!
    1473 days ago
    So many burdens for you. Have you tried meditation, Buddhism,Yoga? You have so much inner strength recognize and look after your physical strength. Hugs
    1473 days ago
    You are hurting now, but look for tomorrow, a new beginning!
    1473 days ago
    I know most of what you are feeling is because of the illness. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. I'm sorry to hear you are so sad right now.
    1473 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1473 days ago
    First of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Don't overthink things. Do stuff to make YOU happy. I hope you have discussed your depression with a doctor? It's good to blog about this stuff. Glad you did!! Hang in there. Life makes more sense the longer you live it.
    1473 days ago
  • DORY914
    Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

    Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow
    1473 days ago
    Depression DOES suck, it sure does, but just know I would wonder what happened to you if you never came back. Remember when I wrote you because I missed your blogs and wondered where you went? I would have missed you. emoticon emoticon

    Feelings, true feelings, don't go away like a light switch but, to me, they are like waves - they come and go and that's all they are - feelings.

    This year I turned 50 in April and wrote a blog about it to cheer me up plus I bought myself a gift. Treat yourself since you, as a human being, deserve love and respect. Think of me eating and sharing your favorite cupcake. emoticon

    Love, Chelsea emoticon
    1473 days ago
    1473 days ago
    God will not do anything to change things, if he was real he would not have put us in this kind of situation.

    I too was beaten, neglected and sexually and physically abused by my parents and later by the psychologist who was meant to be helping me sort myself out.....

    The only one who can change things is you. And you are strong and smart enough to change your life.

    Be kind to yourself. Things that happened you had no control over.
    Take one small step at a time.

    First FORGIVE yourself... You are human...noone is perfect....
    You are allowed to be you...

    Dont sweat the things you cannot control like your relatives.
    So you did not get an invite... that is their loss... just wish them well and get on with living your life.

    If you dwell on all the hurts they just keep bleeding..
    Tie them off and accept that they are there,,

    Try and be positive... Negative energy is easier but destructive.
    When you feel/think/do anything negative....Stop and try to turn it around and make it positive... it takes a while but eventually positive becomes easier and life becomes more bearable.'

    I started at 27 trying to make my life better... Finally when i was 38 things were going my way and now at 60 I can look back and see how all that s..t made me a strong woman and made me who I am.

    Good luck.... Girls can do anything.

    Don't let the bas....s grind you down.....

    1473 days ago
    emoticon First, there is nothing wrong feeling the feelings you that I mean given the situation you have every right to feel down and badly. It's a normal response. The thing is from reading the blog it sounds like you are battling a tough bout of depression. This is serious and even though you feel like a bottle of pills won't help; I have to tell you that they just might get you walking in the right direction. Sure they won't cure all the bad things that are going on in your life, but they will help you to cope better, think clearer and less negatively. Have you considered therapy? Therapy especially if he or she is a Christian can do wonders. It helps you not feel so all alone. God has not forsaken you. I encourage you to keep praying and keep reading your Bible. If you don't know where to begin; Psalms is a pretty good place to start! BTW YOU ARE SPECIAL!!

    Blessings to you!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1473 days ago
  • SILVER1369
    You are not alone! I do understand what you are saying. Take it one day at a time. Remember it is their loss and your gain. You do not need any of them. God is always with you keep praying and listen God will never ever desert you. You have many friends here at Spark and we are all here for you and cheering you on. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1473 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I also suffer from depression. When you are in the black hole, it is difficult to pull yourself out. But I do want to wish you a emoticon
    1473 days ago
    I'm here for you, and you're in my prayers. emoticon I know how depression is, suffering from it myself. God hasn't forsaken you, but it feels that way. Look at Psalm 13, it is often the cry of my heart. emoticon
    1473 days ago
    BTW ... I think your pic and my pic must be related. LOL!
    1473 days ago
    Depression is a serious thing. I encourage you to get some help. I know you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. Try joining a church group. Keep a journal and each day, do something that helps to boost your self esteem. Reward yourself in a small way. You ARE worth it! emoticon emoticon
    1473 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    1474 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    So sorry to hear about what you are going through.

    You are very very special, remember that and GAMMAWCANDOIT is right, your SPARK FAMILY AND FRIENDS are here for you.

    Hope you have a wonderful birthday tomorrow and if you feel bad its only another day older. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1474 days ago
    I am so sorry you are going through all this!!! You are loved and needed !! You are a wonderful person that God created and there is no one else exactly like you.. that makes you pretty darn special!! I will be praying for you! I am sending 1 million hugs in this comment.. please accept! Happy 33rd birthday!!! emoticon emoticon
    1474 days ago
    I am so sorry you are going through all of this. But you are not alone you have your Spark Family. Do not let your family bring you down. Live for yourself not for them. I am here if you need a friend. emoticon emoticon
    1474 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by ISAVEDME80