Saturday, September 07, 2013
It's time to own up to it.
Frequently, I go AWOL from SP when it's probably most beneficial to me but I feel ashamed from my choices.
My Mud Hero pictures came back in. I opted to wear a form-fitting tank top that day (which I RARELY DO in public) because I remember carrying around the weight of a wet t-shirt last year. It was awesome - there wasn't as much fabric weighting me down or collecting water. The major downside was the top clung for dear life to all the areas that I do my best to hide. The result is that I'm ashamed of the pictures and how I looked that day, especially knowing my boyfriend and children saw me. I do not want to talk about the event with people because of this. I have not shown anyone any of the pictures. I have hidden my medal in my room. I feel nauseous when I think about it.
August was a month of pure insanity and doing that run at the end of it was just the cherry on top. I was exhausted. But that's not an excuse. I feel like two years into this battle I should be further than I am. Maybe I'm not putting as much effort in as I could. Perhaps I'm coming to realize that I've fallen short of my goal. I'm about 10 lbs away from the goal I set in 2011. Even that is a very low-set goal - just into the healthy range of my BMI. That isn't where I want to end up - just where I want to start.
Now I'm left with a deflated feeling, especially closing in on the tail end of the year knowing that I still haven't reached where I wanted to be.
Time to reach into the bottom of my pocket and pull out the last bit of motivation to get to my goal.
And to stop running away from my failures.