Friday, September 06, 2013
I know that I'm addicted to food, I have been for as long as I can remember, I would do anything for a candy bar or an extra piece of cake, I remember putting all of the frosting packets from the toaster strudels on just two of them and then blaming my brother, I also remember eating the things that my friends didn't want from their lunches when I was in elementary school.
As I got older and had the money to buy my own food I would go crazy at the grocery store, I would buy all of the things that I begged my mom to buy or the things that I had to share with people, I bought them all for myself. I would buy a whole dutch apple pie, a carrot cake or a big box of cookies, then I would eat them in my car or smuggle them into my bedroom and eat them over the next few days. My mom was overweight as well, but she often made fun of me for my size and what I ate, so did my brother who skinny, so I learned to hide and hoard food.
I remember on payday when I would cash my check sometimes I would stop at one or two fast food restaurants, maybe go to the grocery store and get all kinds of fattening, sugary goodies and then spend the night wallowing in my hatred of myself for not being able to control myself.
I live with my boydriend of seven years and he's great to me, never makes a comment about my weight, quite the opposite, really, but he does know that we need top eat better. If we go to the store and I buy some ice cream he will comment if I need to get the cupcakes that I may have grabbed as well, he would never tell me that I can't have them, just reminds me that I shouldn't. I don't drive because I have epilepsy, but I do have a CVS within walking distance and I've been known to wander up there when my boyfriend is at work and buy half of the stores' sugary snacks and then hide them in my yarn bin.
I DO NOT want to keep doing this, I know that I cannot deprive myself of sweets all together or I will go right back to my wicked ways, I'm doing my best to not let this start up again.