Friday, September 06, 2013
Based on the comments of my friends, family and colleagues, I went shopping this weekend for new clothes. My old stuff was way too big and I had avoided it as long as I possibly could. I have been putting it off because I am poor, or it feels that way. So I have been picking up pieces at the local thrift stores in order to get through the summer.
But this past weekend I had to face the music. Or more precisely, I had to face the changing room. I walked through the first store, not sure of what size I would really be and took an armful of shirts and pants to the changing room. That's where the nerves kicked in. I would try on one pair of pants and it didn't fit, then I'd try another and it would fit. The sizes weren't consistent between articles of clothing. It was so frustrating!
When I was heavier, I knew that shopping would be painful. I was embarrased about my body and my weight but I knew what size I would be at the store. I could go to my favorite stores and just pick up the clothes I wanted. No big deal. It was hard to buy clothes in larger and larger sizes, but I did it.
This past weekend, I realized that parts of my weight-loss journey are going to be painful. And this is one of them. In one pair of pants, I was in a size I haven't worn for ten years, but then the next pants was bigger again. I found myself standing in the changing room hating my body again. Why can't I just fit into the right clothes? The truth is that I just haven't find the right clothes yet. I am in between sizes at the stores. Somewhere at the small end of the Women's section and at the largest end of the Misses. I should have felt good that I could fit into anything in the Misses section, but instead my stomach started to hurt, my eyes started to water and I just really disliked my body at that moment. It was probably harder than trying on clothes in larger sizes.
In the end, I got five new shirts and some new workout pants. I also got a new Packer's sweatshirt which is from the Misses section. Kind of love that! But I was still missing pants that fit. So the next day my mom went through her closet to give me some of the pants that she doesn't wear anymore. The pants don't all fit exactly, but they are better than what I've been wearing all summer. My mom has been smaller than me since college when it comes to weight, and I'm happy that we are about the same size again. My goal is to get smaller, since I know that it only gets harder to lose weight. I'm not waiting until I'm 60.
It did feel good to get compliments on my new clothes when I got to work on Monday. Someone said it looked like I had lost 20 pounds overnight. But last night I wasn't feeling good and today I'm back to clothes that are too big, mostly cuz I just didn't care today. But when I get home tonight, this 3X t-shirt is going into my "donate" box. I promise! I even feel extra lazy because my clothes are just hanging on me.
It seems that the toughest part of losing weight is just starting for me. Learning to love myself and my body is not an easy thing. I have spent more than a decade thinking negative thoughts, disliking my body and mostly just disliking who I had become. Now I'm on my way to being someone new, someone I lost over the years. I just wasn't expecting this many hurdles and challenges at this point in the journey.
If I'm going to lose 100 pounds this year, I have some serious work to be doing. But I will do it! I'll put this shopping experience behind me and continue to focus on my food and my exercise. Just like I've been doing for nine months. Wish me luck!