Thursday, September 05, 2013
It was SURREAL to discover that I am nearing 100lbs away from my goal weight. I never thought I let myself go QUITE so much. It's sad, I feel sad about it. I don't usually eat when I am sad, usually I will go lie down and try to consider options.
With this situation, there is only one thing I can do- Turn Around. It seems like I need to overhaul my life. I should be used to it, but it is almost always daunting. I just need to get in gear and work myself up.
84 pounds. I'm 84 pounds from 185. YIKES! I have been a bit uncomfortable in my uniform and in some other clothes. I have not liked to look at myself in the mirror, but none of my loved ones have complained, much. My parents might, but they're almost always on some health kick- my dad (Routinely) lives and breathes ATKINS.
Can I get down on myself for this gaff in weight management- I'd rather not. I'm not sure how to fix it without some ... strict procedures and/or mindsets. I know I can handle some intense situations, some strong working over, but I'm not going to berate myself for what's happened- what I've allowed to happen. It's done. All I can do is better from here.
But, really, this is rock-bottom for me in terms of weight. It's ten pounds over my last big gain. Not thrilling.
I want so much to slim down. I want so much to be the weight I was when I married my first husband. I want to get there and stay there. I have ways I can do that and I intend to use EVERYTHING I can! It's going to take work on all levels, not just my body, but my mind, heart and soul need to shed these pounds.
Every layer of me needs to peel the layers I've let grow. The weeds in my mind need to be pulled, chains need to come off my soul and my heart must shed its solid defenses and soften if I am going to reach the health and fitness level I've dreamed of for so many years.
Spark says I can do this by October of next year. I'm scared. I think I find it daunting because I'm focusing on weight rather than health. I want to see if I can divert my focus from weight to health and accomplish the goal in any event. It sounds easy, right? Maybe it will take so long that I will merge the two and end up in the same place.
I'm pondering this because I want to shed pounds, yes, but I also want to gain insight and understanding that will help me maintain that weight. I'd love to reach 200-190 by July, next year- that's my birth month. If I can reach my goal weight (apparently not my "Ideal" Weight) by October, next year, I will be THRILLED! It might mean I can go to EPCOT in 2015, like I plan, and wear a two-piece swimsuit!