Thursday, September 05, 2013
so here's the truth - i have a serious binge-eating problem. i knew i had this before i started this process in april, and i thought i had gotten it under control. in july, those awful cravings/urges started again, and i started the super unhealthy cycle of bingeing and throwing up. i have done this for brief spurts in the past, but the full month of july was probably the longest i'd "stuck with it". this is why i did not lose weight for all of july. luckily, i woke up one morning and no longer felt the need to throw up. however, unluckily, i cannot shake these binge cravings.
i'll be fine for 5 days out of the week, and then eat 1500 cals in a sitting. this is why i didn't lose weight most of august (i would get down to 151.something, and then gain 4 pounds back the next day).
which is where i'm at right now. on monday, i weighed in at 151.5 (the lowest i have been so far...). on wednesday, my boyfriend made the genuine comment that he thinks i'm the perfect size right now...which even though i don't agree, gave me some silent permission to go home last night and eat a salad + meatball sub + half portion of pasta...which left me feeling so sick that i actually felt like i had the flu. and then waking up this morning to a big bowl of granola and more of the pasta. and then eating a normal size lunch, despite these two past meals.
i don't know what to do to break out of this cycle, honestly, other than going back to eating super super clean, and stop allowing myself to do this.
so i am about to go for a walk/run to make myself feel better for today, hopefully not eat anymore today so that i am ok calorie/nutrient-wise, and get back at it tomorrow. ughh.
when i think about how well i did for the first few months, and how much more i would have lost if i had kept up that pace, it is so frustrating! i just want to get that original mindset back!!