Wednesday, September 04, 2013
My whole world, as I knew it, was flipped upside down early in the morning on April 30th. My mother was taken by ambulance to our local hospital and I was told that she suffered a stroke, that the kind she had was causing bleeding on her brain and that they needed to relieve the pressure. They couldn't take care of that issue at the local hospital so she would need to be taken by life flight to the University hospital. I was told that she may not even make it to the other hospital, but I had to make a decision for her, so they prepared her for the flight and I prayed the whole drive there that she wouldn't die. I called one of my aunts and one of my sisters, since they lived closer to the University hospital than I did, I didn't want mom to be without one of us. When I walked in they had already visited her, telling me that the doctors wanted to observe her and run more tests before operating.
It wasn't until the 2nd that they did the surgery, which was successful, but mom was paralyzed on her left side and the surgery was done on the right side of her head. By the 3rd she was talking to us and happy. By the 4th mom was wanting to go home and the doctors said that if she did well over night she would be moved to another area of the hospital so that she could start physical therapy, but early in the morning on the 5th she became non responsive and had hemorrhaged again. They said that the damage to her brain was too extensive and they didn't feel that she would make it through another surgery. By the 6th my mom was moved to the Palliative care unit, where she remained until the 8th, when she was moved to Hospice. My mother passed away on May 16th.
After mom passed I had a ton of things to take care of regarding the funeral arrangements, so it kept me busy and I actually lost a few pounds, but since then I have gained back what I lost and more. I can't seem to forgive myself for not being able to fix what happened. I feel like I failed her and myself. I turn to food to fill the void, but the void is still there and I know that I need to do something about it. I decided to try setting a few goals and I set the first day of school, today for us, as my restarting point.
Here's my short list of the goals:
Do something to deal with my feelings rather than bury them (which is why I am writing)
Try to eat balanced meals or at least cut out the junk food
Exercise, even if it's just walking
Weigh in weekly: starting weight: 181.6 as of this morning 9/4/13
This is another rough year, but as one of my favorite authors wrote: "I'm coming to understand that perhaps these detours are my journey. No matter how much I, or the rest of humanity wishes otherwise, life is not lived in smooth, downhill expressways, but in the obscure, perilous trails and rocky back roads of life where we stumble and feel our way through the fog of the unknown. Life is not a sprint. It was never meant to be. It is just one step of faith after another."
Richard Paul Evans