Wednesday, September 04, 2013
This is my sister and I last summer enjoying a day at a nearby amusement park. We are smiling into my phone from the top of a ferris wheel. I remember having mixed feelings that day. I took us to this place partially expecting that the childhood memories that we created there would resurface and we might be able to rekindle the happy feelings created in childhood. I was wrong of course. I felt that the entire day was filled with fake smiles underhanded comments.
When did she start to hate me? I wish I knew. She was distant in high school and acted as though she missed me when I would come home from college but in all honesty I am not sure she ever did. She says she loves me, well she used to say she loves me, I haven't heard that in what seems like forever.
It seems like the more weight I lose, the more I succeed, the more I try to help her = the more she hates me. Is hate too strong of a word? Maybe... but she treats me worse than any enemy I've ever had. The truth is that my sister does not take care of herself and she may not love herself so how can I expect her to love me?
I recently helped her fund a new car. I recently loaned her cash for new clothes. Within 25 minutes of both of these gestures she somehow managed to blurt out that she hated me. 'I hate you' hearing those words from her cut me like a knife across my abdomen and those words said because she did not like something mundane inside my car.
We live together currently and she has 3 dogs. Her dogs are not trained and she refuses to allow me to crate them so that they will learn not to make a mess in the house.
I have tried so hard to help to discuss the situation with her nicely but she just does not care about what I have to say. I am so close to throwing my hands up and leaving the situation as soon as possible. I know that running away is not the right thing to do. It wont solve anything, it wont help her and it wont help me. But at least when I am far from her I don't feel her hatred fumes spewing in under my bedroom door.