Wednesday, September 04, 2013
"No rain, no rainbows" - Anonymous
I'm thankful for both in my life although I do complain about the rain sometimes.
I've been trying to uncover a reason why this year has been tough for me with food when I've done so well up until now. Not that I am at the point of disgust and disgrace with myself, but just not with the program inside my head as I was previously.
I think that food is the symbolic way I am holding onto my dying mother, whom I can't see due to many reasons, which makes the situation more tragic. Deeply rooted in my subconscious are the myriad happy scenes from childhood with holiday tables festooned with dishes made for kings and queens.
An extended family where food was truly love, we'd sit and laugh, talk, share, and love while eating delectable dishes prepared by my immigrant grandparents. My mom is the last link with this past and I think that the child part of my mind is longing for her and those times of seeming infinite joy and happiness. It seems to be the only way I can hold onto her when she is still of this world.
Yes, I do understand the ways to deal with this due to having the misfortune of sharp self-knowledge combined with education, but still my child mind longs for that maternal love. I realize with such finality that I will never ever have the mother I truly needed. (long story which is best left untold here)
On the very very bright side, I did have an extended family that showered me with unconditional love and is the reason why I have always been comfortable in my own skin.
The truth is, my mom was gone from my life a long time ago. It's just that her impending death makes it so final, forcing my psyche to admit that the maternal love I craved will never ever happen.
This is more than I'd intended to write about, but there it is.
Wishing all a happy day.