Wednesday, September 04, 2013
Ironic how adversity, a broken elbow, drove me into maintenance mode. I am no stranger to tough health issues and constant roadblocks in my healthy journey. So after two years plus, what derailed me? The three months I struggled with a very painful right elbow and shoulder I was unable to use and unable to exercise with? The trials of dealing with a busy bridge club with absentee directors who make club decisions? A uncle dying of cancer and then learning he had an illegitimate daughter and meeting her family and his lover? Finding out all the odd quirks of his life, layered in hoarding piled to the ceiling in every room? To illustrate, at the bottom of one stack was a electric remote control car we all used to play with as very young children, making it about 50 years old, sadly, the motor had been taken out so was useless. A chronical of every electronic gadget in music and TV ever made (he had to have the latest and greatest and the old ones were discarded in the rooms.) The frustration of not being able to get away on a vacation because I am so busy with the club and Mom not getting any younger waiting. Who knows how long she will live and be healthy as she is now? The back to back deaths of three people at the club was shocking, but considering the age group, not too surprising. The realization the only people I know are elderly :( The allergic reaction to hydroxymorphone rendering my pain uncontrollable with its replacement not nearly as effective. Being put on high doses of Tylenol in spite of the warning how toxic it can be. It actually does not much for me then the other prescription drug I was put on :( Dealing with a wonky and painful right elbow and hand when I am right handed. Not being able to do my beloved exercising as consistently as I would like. I never feel more alive and alert and feeling good then when I am exercising and being cut off from this release of stress has been incredibly stressful. Gorgeous, gorgeous weather and being stuck at home in a smoke filled apartment because of club work I have to do and also times I need to be there. I didn't get as much time at my Mom's as I would have liked this summer and now she is planning to go to the farm :( Not that it matters much as September is zoo month at the club. Learning I have a new form of arthritis attacking my spine and shoulders that is not being controlled by the disease modifiers I am currently on. Losing my specialist that I have seen for over 25 years (to leukemia) and not being able to get into to see a new one for a long time as the wait lists are incredible. Worrying that my family Dr., who I have seen since I was 16 and gave me great care, might retire leaving me with no medical advocate (she always went to bat for me against the system) The constant stomach issues and the embarrassing leakage issues The realization that I am only 51 and I am a train wreck, what will I have to look forward to? This is the reason I don't look ahead or try to plan anything too far ahead and take each day as it comes as it may be my last. Having trouble with my eyeglasses and them pinching painfully behind my ears, never seeming to get a balance between them sliding down my nose or tight enough to stay on my face. Not getting a good progressive lens as I had before and the change they made not a great deal better, leaving me to struggle with reading.
So maybe this was my reason to go on a mighty snack binge, eating everything in sight. My goal weight of 121 shredded and up to 136 now.
Well, I realized one thing. I felt so good at a slim and trim weight. Now my gorgeous clothes are very hard to button up :( Have to stop the slide and do what ever I can to feel good about myself and situation again. I did it before, many times, climbing out of the abyss.
So far in September, I was under calorie range one day, over by 150 calories the second day and today under the recommended range. In spite of 195 fitness minutes, I am not going to eat 2500 calories!! For four weeks I have been battling the allergy attack from hell. it has totally blocked my right sinuses. The risk of infection is high. During my exercise my face gets hot and can't cool down and I feel that water running up my nose feature :P I am mouth breathing but get so dry doing that. Another hit to my already bad insomnia. I was given a break today, the first time in a very long time I was able to do three fitness classes and I enjoyed each one. I finally learned how to urban poll and caught on so fast, the instructor sent me into the main group while still instructing the other two beginners. I came second in bridge, beating out several top A pairs, and with a new partner no less that I had some bidding misunderstandings with. Its these little lights that keep me going. Its looking forward to the times I can get on the trails and share activities with my Mom. Its these things that say not all is lost. There is still hope things will not be all bad.
So I am returning. The favorite snacks that would trigger me to binge are gone and not coming back. Like everything in my life its tough, but I am going to be tougher. My poor failing body is giving me all it can. It deserves to be treated kindly and with good nutrition.
I appreciate all the goodies and support you have all shown me. That is also one of the lights that I look forward to.
I have lots of photos to share with you from my latest adventures but am afraid I am really busy now. I will eventually get around to all your blogs, but may not comment on each one, though I find it hard to resist not doing so ;). I enjoy reading about what is going on in your world, good or bad, because that is what friends are for, sharing in all things.
I may have more thorns then roses in my life, but that makes me only enjoy and savor the roses more.
Be kind to yourself, you are worth it! Never give in, never give up!