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Finding My Way Back

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Ironic how adversity, a broken elbow, drove me into maintenance mode. I am no stranger to tough health issues and constant roadblocks in my healthy journey. So after two years plus, what derailed me? The three months I struggled with a very painful right elbow and shoulder I was unable to use and unable to exercise with? The trials of dealing with a busy bridge club with absentee directors who make club decisions? A uncle dying of cancer and then learning he had an illegitimate daughter and meeting her family and his lover? Finding out all the odd quirks of his life, layered in hoarding piled to the ceiling in every room? To illustrate, at the bottom of one stack was a electric remote control car we all used to play with as very young children, making it about 50 years old, sadly, the motor had been taken out so was useless. A chronical of every electronic gadget in music and TV ever made (he had to have the latest and greatest and the old ones were discarded in the rooms.) The frustration of not being able to get away on a vacation because I am so busy with the club and Mom not getting any younger waiting. Who knows how long she will live and be healthy as she is now? The back to back deaths of three people at the club was shocking, but considering the age group, not too surprising. The realization the only people I know are elderly :( The allergic reaction to hydroxymorphone rendering my pain uncontrollable with its replacement not nearly as effective. Being put on high doses of Tylenol in spite of the warning how toxic it can be. It actually does not much for me then the other prescription drug I was put on :( Dealing with a wonky and painful right elbow and hand when I am right handed. Not being able to do my beloved exercising as consistently as I would like. I never feel more alive and alert and feeling good then when I am exercising and being cut off from this release of stress has been incredibly stressful. Gorgeous, gorgeous weather and being stuck at home in a smoke filled apartment because of club work I have to do and also times I need to be there. I didn't get as much time at my Mom's as I would have liked this summer and now she is planning to go to the farm :( Not that it matters much as September is zoo month at the club. Learning I have a new form of arthritis attacking my spine and shoulders that is not being controlled by the disease modifiers I am currently on. Losing my specialist that I have seen for over 25 years (to leukemia) and not being able to get into to see a new one for a long time as the wait lists are incredible. Worrying that my family Dr., who I have seen since I was 16 and gave me great care, might retire leaving me with no medical advocate (she always went to bat for me against the system) The constant stomach issues and the embarrassing leakage issues The realization that I am only 51 and I am a train wreck, what will I have to look forward to? This is the reason I don't look ahead or try to plan anything too far ahead and take each day as it comes as it may be my last. Having trouble with my eyeglasses and them pinching painfully behind my ears, never seeming to get a balance between them sliding down my nose or tight enough to stay on my face. Not getting a good progressive lens as I had before and the change they made not a great deal better, leaving me to struggle with reading.
So maybe this was my reason to go on a mighty snack binge, eating everything in sight. My goal weight of 121 shredded and up to 136 now.
Well, I realized one thing. I felt so good at a slim and trim weight. Now my gorgeous clothes are very hard to button up :( Have to stop the slide and do what ever I can to feel good about myself and situation again. I did it before, many times, climbing out of the abyss.
So far in September, I was under calorie range one day, over by 150 calories the second day and today under the recommended range. In spite of 195 fitness minutes, I am not going to eat 2500 calories!! For four weeks I have been battling the allergy attack from hell. it has totally blocked my right sinuses. The risk of infection is high. During my exercise my face gets hot and can't cool down and I feel that water running up my nose feature :P I am mouth breathing but get so dry doing that. Another hit to my already bad insomnia. I was given a break today, the first time in a very long time I was able to do three fitness classes and I enjoyed each one. I finally learned how to urban poll and caught on so fast, the instructor sent me into the main group while still instructing the other two beginners. I came second in bridge, beating out several top A pairs, and with a new partner no less that I had some bidding misunderstandings with. Its these little lights that keep me going. Its looking forward to the times I can get on the trails and share activities with my Mom. Its these things that say not all is lost. There is still hope things will not be all bad.
So I am returning. The favorite snacks that would trigger me to binge are gone and not coming back. Like everything in my life its tough, but I am going to be tougher. My poor failing body is giving me all it can. It deserves to be treated kindly and with good nutrition.
I appreciate all the goodies and support you have all shown me. That is also one of the lights that I look forward to.
I have lots of photos to share with you from my latest adventures but am afraid I am really busy now. I will eventually get around to all your blogs, but may not comment on each one, though I find it hard to resist not doing so ;). I enjoy reading about what is going on in your world, good or bad, because that is what friends are for, sharing in all things.
I may have more thorns then roses in my life, but that makes me only enjoy and savor the roses more.
Be kind to yourself, you are worth it! Never give in, never give up!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Keep going you are amazing. I to have had and have many health problems. I could have accepted it and ended up homebound for ever. I didn't accept that. It is a battle everyday, but we neither can give up. Try and get that time with your mom. It sounds like both of you could use relaxation time together. You are right to take time day by day. We have to make the most out of each day. That is true for everyone. I hope the doctors work out for you and they find meds that actually help you. Take good care of yourself and live each day with as much joy as you can find. Hugs!!!!
    1620 days ago
  • ANDYGIRL1219
    1622 days ago
    Life IS tough and you ARE tougher -- but you are having a particularly tough patch at the moment. I loved your comment on CRYSTALJEM's blog about the new park you found with lots of water birds. You have a unique ability in the face of adversity to take pleasure in small things, and to share them with us.
    1623 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I am so sorry that you are going through so much. It makes sense that you have snacked. I have certainly been in the same position.

    Thinking of you, Linda. emoticon
    1626 days ago
    Sorry for all you are going through, I am frustrated just reading about it. We are told adversity makes us stronger and that explains how you have become so strong and a favorite for us on Sparkpeople! Big hugs your way Linda emoticon
    1626 days ago
  • C8TSON
    Oh Linda.... emoticon emoticon I think of you often and I see these things building and building over time and wonder when it will just become overwhelming. I feel so bad for you. Many people have family issues, illness, chronic pain, stresses at work, and no outlet to relieve all of those stresses. You, my friend, have been dealt a tough hand as you have experienced all of this and more. And yet you still manage to seek positives in your life and encourage others. I just wish there was something magical I could tell you to help you feel better or change something. All I can do is pray for you, your health, your peace, and your relationships. And of course send as many positive thoughts in your direction as I can possibly muster. emoticon You do truly inspire us here. Don't worry about keeping up with blogs and stuff right now--take care of you. We all appreciate and care deeply for you here! Take care of you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1626 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    emoticon emoticon
    Sharing some of the light you have always given me

    Wish it could be more and concrete so it would really make a difference!
    1627 days ago
    When it rains it pours, doesn't it?
    Glad you're back. SparkFriends always help keep me grounded and moving forward.
    1627 days ago
    Wow, you are going through so much. I am sending you hugs and positive thoughts. You are a strong lady though and I have always been so impressed by your strength.
    Do take care of yourself.
    1627 days ago
    With all that is going on in your life I'm sure it is hard to remain positive. However, emoticon . I know what a strong person you are. We all have ups and downs. I think you have done so much despite your limitations. You will get through this too. Tomorrow will be great!
    1627 days ago
    And yet, despite all your issues, you are every bit as beautiful to me, Linda. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


    I hope you manage to plan your 4 day tour! I have the same issue in that most of my Spark Friends are all over the world and not many in UK in South East.
    1627 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/5/2013 3:29:32 AM
    I think you are remarkable. You keep going, plaster a smile on your face and live your life to the fullest.
    1628 days ago
    Lots of obstacles, but I know you are both persistent and creative. You will find a way! Does it help to know that you have been a major inspiration for me in my own battle to get healthy? emoticon Many good wishes being sent your way.
    1628 days ago
    That is terrible Linda and it would cause me to snack too! Which I have over the past few months a little too much due to injuries myself. Why do we always go to food when we feel this way?! You think we would learn! It is frustrating!
    I feel for you and it breaks my heart it has hit you all at once. All I can say, is I know you are one of the strongest willed people I know and you will get through this. And one day at a time is a good lesson for all of us..enjoy the joys of each day. Ignore the problems best you can. Deal with them as they come and conquer them! BIG emoticon
    1628 days ago
  • PCOH051610
    I'm at a loss for words. emoticon
    1628 days ago
    You need lots of hugs, gf. Our health system is going the same direction as yours, I'm afraid. You are handling your tough issues well. You've overcome so much in the years I've known you. emoticon
    1628 days ago
    Oh Linda, I understand. We're all getting older, and sooner or later something is going to get all of us. But we owe it to ourselves to never, ever, ever give up, and to keep our eyes on the present.

    And what a great insight you had about feeling better at a lighter weight. I have those "I don't care" moments, too, but then I remember how much better it feels to be on the low end of the range. emoticon One day at a time! emoticon
    1628 days ago
    Kudos to you for contending so well with your chronic illness and limitations...I have dreaded ever having to contend with such and doubt I would have the fortitude that you have shown!

    Spark ON!

    1628 days ago
    "Everything in my life is tough, but I am tougher." Yes, you are!! Take care of that body. You only get one, you know, and you have to live in it. I don't envy you all the health challenges; you certainly have more than your share.

    I greatly admire your determination to do all the exercise you can each day. Continue to listen to your body. Three fitness classes was just great. Eating over the sink may need to change. I want you to totally and fully and completely enjoy each bite of healthy, healthy food you eat mindfully!!

    I also appreciate your support and comments on my blogs. You are an A+SparkFriends!!

    Be patient. Your diligence will pay off.
    1628 days ago
    Here's to returning - I love the word - we turn once again toward what and who we want to be. We remove those foods, those places, those triggers that 'turn' us into the person we don't want to be.
    Here's to the 'tougher' you - the rock star who keeps on keeping on in face of unpleasant and unfair odds.
    If anyone can do it, you can.
    Welcome to your new emoticon
    May every day of your life be filled with them.
    1628 days ago
    Hang in there! It seems like you have lots "stacked" against you, but you are changing that course by having a positive attitude. I have not walked in your shoes, no one has, so we don't know how all of this really feels. Emotional stress on top of physical stress is hard to handle.

    However, you are looking for the lights and are turning the corner. There are many of us here, that can give a virtual hug to help. I wish there was more that I can do, but know that others are thinking about you and sending positive energy and prayers your way! emoticon
    1628 days ago
    YOU ARE GOING THROUGH SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! All I can send you is a hug!
    1628 days ago
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