Tuesday, September 03, 2013
It's been a struggle. A real struggle. It seems every time I try to be healthier, the worse I get. I am now up nearly 20 pounds. My clothes barely fit me. I walk around mainly wearing skirts and dresses and even those are starting to look awkward on me.
It takes a lot to admit, but I emotionally/binge eat. I exercise, nearly every day. I start my day with healthy eats, I try to take inspiration from facebook and instagram. But by the end of the day, it sets in. And I just get worse.
In some ways I should be happier than I've ever been. I have so much to be thankful for, and someone who makes me so happy, and doesn't care how I look.
But he has unhealthy habits, and those set in with me, and I think that's where it began. But even though things can be going so right with us, the world falls apart around us. And I don't like to deal with the stress. We are perfectly fine, but we have to deal with so much more.
The hardest part, is I'm starting to experience what happens when you become too heavy. I'm more lethargic. I can barely muster the energy to exercise, and when I do, it is not nearly at the intensity I used to do. This in turn makes me feel worse, and thus resulting in unhealthy eating habits. It's such a cycle that I feel trapped in. I think it causes the mild anxiety that I have to deal with and the unhappiness with other aspects of my life. I feel trapped in this cycle, trapped in my job, trapped and confined by my surroundings. I'm beginning to understand why people feel that they can never be healthy or lose the weight. I have certainly felt like that for months as my clothes continue to get tight, and trap me.
But then I had a revelation today. I sat in yoga in the park, breathing in the nice breeze under beautiful trees. During the final meditation, I finally realized that I have no idea what the future holds for me. And for the first time, I became excited. Despite my expanding waistline, my anger with my job, my desperation to move on, I felt that the future can hold anything for me. Anything, and that was amazing. Even through the forces beyond my control that are pressing down on my life, I felt the infinite possibility.
Even though I came home and still ate too much for dinner, borderline binging really, I still feel that tomorrow can get better. And I can be better, I can do better. In yoga, she said that we can be better tomorrow than we were today. I have an amazing opportunity ahead of me that may change the direction of my life, of our life. I don't want to enter it feeling foggy, slow, overweight, and unhealthy. I won't make any significant progress by next week, which is my chance to make this happen, but I can start in the right direction. Small steps in the right direction.
I always thought my life was going in one direction, and now, I have no idea....and it's exciting.