Fear of Going Back
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
I'm on the cusp of ending my weight loss journey and beginning my maintenance journey. I'm incredibly proud of myself for coming as far as I have, for being as diligent as I am.
But I am soooooo very tired of the Medifast meals I've been eating 5X a day. There are days when I almost wish I didn't have to eat, so I didn't have to eat the same meals over and over again.
Now, part of my problem could be I keep ordering the same MF meals. But I think mostly I'm tired of being on this restrictive diet. I'm tired of not being able to eat similar foods to other people. I want to have a vanilla latte again (no offense, Americano, you are good and all). I'd like not to stress out about restaurants and if what they served were on plan or not.
I do think this is a sign of me getting closer to "transition" - when I switch out the MF meals for regular meals. But with that comes a new fear: the fear of Going Back.
The previous two times I lost weight, I never really went into "maintenance". I was losing weight, and then my old habits came back. Bad food choices, over indulgence, cutting back with exercise until suddenly, I was 268 pounds.
I love my body today. I love how I can feel my ribs. I love how I am able to exercise - Spin Class, running, even biking (though I don't love it). I love how I look in clothes and I love how healthy I feel.
Internally, I know that the only one who controls me is me. *I* am the one making the food choices. *I* am the one with the power to avoid the fish and chips and instead have a salad. *I* am the one with the power to tell myself that yes, I do need to get off the couch and exercise. All of this I know, but I'm still afraid.
I've spent my entire adult life either overweight or obese, so this fear somewhat makes sense. I've not known a time where I was successfully able to maintain a healthy weight, so to think that once I am done eating these MF meals that all the weight will come back with a vengeance? Understandable.
The thing is, I am not the same person I was a year ago. When I eat bad on a Saturday, I realize that instead of throwing away my diet, I need to be even MORE proactive and careful. I am better about getting myself into a gym or on the pavement or in a class.
And then there's this: each day is a new day. I did not lose the weight overnight; neither will I gain it. Weighing myself regularly, taking note of how my body feels, watching how my clothes fit on me - these are all signs I want to take it to keep myself from spiraling out of control.
I am still afraid of going back, but I'm going to let that fear be a healthy fear to keep me on the path of good health instead of crippling me to give up. I have made incredible progress in such a relatively short time; this is just a new, different challenge to face!