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Monday, September 02, 2013

Today is LABOR DAY - the last hoopla of summer - twenty days until fall AND my birthday. It is also my only day off this week and I am conflicted because I don't know what I want to do with it. I feel I deserve a day of freedom - I could go to the gym for Tai Chi BUT two things stop me: one is that the bus doesn't run and the other is that Tai Chi may not be happening today, he may have cancelled due to the holiday. I know the gym is closing at 3PM for the holiday.
The first thing doesn't bother me because when there is no bus I can walk, I love to walk except when it is really hot and it is still summer. The second thing bugs me because once I walk all the way to the gym and find that there is no Tai Chi then I could make use of other things at the gym BUT I just walked so walking on the treadmill doesn't intice me. I will walk on it when I am killing time before class. And doing my routine strength and cardio activities (alone) sucks because I do them the rest of the week and deserve a day off.

Thing is, if I were to leave right now I would have to double time it to make it there in time for the 11AM class. The current temp outside is - well, I don't know my cell says my weather is unavailable...funny it will tell me what it is in each of the three other locations I have programmed in but not my local weather!! I rely on my cell's weather to let me know if it will be too hot to walk back home. So anyway, 90+ is a little warm for double timing it - there are about 5 sets of inclines to traverse along the way and I haven't walked it in about 6 weeks. So gym is out.

I have chores around the house to do and I can use my Tai Chi moves to get between chores...I love Tai Chi for that: no equipment, no special clothing, and no boundries.

Sorry if anyone is reading this hoping to glean something from it - or for entertainment reason - because I am in a blue funk right now.

I get in a blue funk close to my birthday - I think my bio-rhythms are to blame. That seems funny, you would think that your cycle would be high around your birthday...what if that is something else my mother lied to me about. Well, no that isn't so...I have my birth certificate and it says I was born on 22 September so my bio-rhythm charts are mine.

I know it is so 80s of me to believe in bio-rhythms, but think about it, if there is one thing consistent in our lives it is the ebb and flow of our emotions, physical, intellectual and intiutive cycles. Even when you no longer have to put up with Aunt Mildred (the Army's version of "that time of month"), you still have 28 day cycles for things. Around that time of the month for me, I become clumsy - I can walk past the same door way 20 plus days a month without ever coming close to banging into it. Then POW like it has moved...I slam the back of my hand into it or bang my shoulder into it. Also around that time I become blue - I often cry if someone looks crosseyed at me and have no idea why I feel like crying. Some months are worse than others. This cycle I am having trouble deciding things - part of it is emotional and part the intellectual. I wanted to use up two of my four accrued vacation days - I actually wanted one: a Thursday so I could drop in on Dance Zumba with my favorite instructor and all the friends I made during my unemployment period. Then I had to pick which Thursday...the one before my birthday or the one after my birthday...deciding was difficult, it didn't much matter which one, it was a treat for me to be able to go to that day's Zumba. I finally decided on the one before my birthday. But that meant I work Tuesday, Wednesday off Thursday, work Friday, Saturday then off Sunday (birthday) and Monday. But I have four days built us so I thought why not take two days? I decided on Thursday and Friday - my boss doesn't do weekends, but probably would if I asked for it so I was willing to work Saturday and be off Sunday and Monday. Finally happy enough with my decision I announced my plans to my boss giving her enough time to schedule all our inventory days around me being off. And she announced that she already has that Friday off - her grandson's birthday is Saturday the 21st and they are doing a grandparent's party on Friday so she has to have the day off to drive to Flagstaff. She says she told me - and she had sort of, she mentioned it but didn't say she was taking all of Friday off so it didn't stick. OK so I wasn't totally set on having the days off - I had been so indecisive and after all I could do it the next Thursday and Friday. But when she said it it hurt like she purposely took it away from me...or like I was conceding because she was my boss. Part of me wanted to act juvenile and quit so that I would win and have those days off...part of me didn't care; they were just two days on a calendar. Then later I started thinking "why did I even want Thursday off?" To attend a class that I haven't been to like a returning hero? To draw attention to myself when I told the instructor that I was treating myself to her class for my birthday? So then she would announce to the class it is my birthday and they could make a fuss? I don't like that much attention. So I would attend the class and not mention my motives?? And then I thought "if I went to the class Sharon would get excited that my situation changed again and I was going to be able to attend every week - maybe even on Tuesdays too. And I would have to let her down by telling her it was a one time event. So now I am not taking any time off...which sounds petty really. I haven't told my boss because I don't want her to try to convince me to take time off...not that she will give up her Friday off for me, and I don't expect her to, that would not make me happier.
So my emotions are in turmoil, it is close to my birthday and I feel like I should be in a happier place. Every year it is like this and it isn't the fact that I am aging...age doesn't seem to bother me. Like I said it happens routinely, monthly, but it seems to hit harder close to my birthday.

It isn't that mama is no longer here - I was like this long before she passed, and we didn't ever do that much for my birthday. Falling in September when she had three kids going back to school made it financially difficult. Most of my presents were school clothes bought weeks in advance. Most of my birthdays were "shared" with my sister because she was too young to know why I was getting presents and she wasn't. Her birthday was 5 days after Christmas and she got both Christmas and Birthday celebrations. On my sixteenth birthday I had to plan my own party because she was often too tired AND then she went to bed without even having cake or anything. After that I was too old for anything special...of course after my 18th I was in the Army and far away for the next few. Then when she passed she did a double whammy...she passed ON my Aunt's birthday (her younger sister) and was cremated ON my birthday. Total downer. I celebrate her life ON her birthday in January and try not to think about her passing so close to mine, so that is not what puts me into my funk.

It is just life in general...I need excitement and I don't get excited about my birthday but I am sort of excited this year. A few weeks ago I plotted a 10K course to walk and I have been sitting on my hands to not get out and do it ahead of the big day. See my birthday falls on Sunday and that is my first day of two off so it is perfect for doing the 10K - then Monday is basically a rest day except I will be walking to the gym for Tai Chi that day too.
I did a 10K on my birthday last year and was going to repeat the same course this year when I realized that it is really boring. It has only slight inclines and is probably 85% flat and is the same scenery...I could do it in reverse but it is still the same old same old. So then I thought of the route I drove to has a good sized hill that rolls down and then goes back up almost as high. Then it is a long stretch of a slight incline. Then I make a turn that goes up steadily a little more and ends in a hill. Then I turn and it goes down at a big enough decline that you have to lean back and dig in not to run down it. After that I am back to familiar area before coming home. But it will be different and challenging. I plan to jog a good amount of it too...I might break my personal best time for completing my 10K walks!!! LOL I just looked in my log book which unfortunately I started ON 1 January so my birthday one is not in it. My last 10K in April was "untimed"... Wait I made a "medallion" for my birthday one and I think I recorded the time on it...130 minutes. But it was 7.04 miles which is 1.02 miles more than the 6.02 for a 10K. This year I plotted it to be exactly 6.03 Miles door to door - so it is right on for the 10K. And that is what excites me - doing a 10K.

LIke I said earlier...I apologize if anyone is reading these blogs to follow me or get inspiration...I am in a blue funk and just felt like writing it out.

A note...last week I was 180 and this week I am 182 - part of the funk I am sure, I was seeing the light of reaching a goal of 179 by my birthday. I was even seeing the number 177 as attainable! Now I am back up BUT I am no longer the 242 of a few years ago, or the 200 of a couple years ago, or even the 190 of not so long ago! I have to keep that in mind...I am still below 190 and that is good.

OK now I am inspired...I am going to put on my headphones and MP3 and dance my way through some chores...
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