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Day 65: Woes and Words of Wisdom

Sunday, September 01, 2013

So this was my first weekend at school after classes started. I'm glad to both be done with the first week and to also have tomorrow off so I can try to get ahead on work. This weekend was definitely an interesting one...

My friends and I went out to a new bar that opened in June. Since we're all 21 now, it was our first taste of the night life. I was feeling pretty good, considering I spent time on my appearance. I also tried on a pair of my jeans that previously fit me comfortably and they were too big to wear out (especially since I don't have any belts here at school). I changed to another pair that was a bit more comfortable but still sort of fell down. It's awkward being between sizes!!

So we got to this bar which had two floors. The top floor was where the DJ and the dancing were, so we went up there and got a table. Everyone ordered something there, and I split a fishbowl with a friend. Drinks are so EXPENSIVE! I was feeling really good because I had a few drinks and I was so happy with the progress I have made so far. Minus my two-week slump in July, I've been motivated and on track and have avoided any major slip-ups thus far. I felt like I looked good and I was having an amazing time laughing with my girls.

After awhile, the bar started to fill up. By this point, we were dancing. I guess I had anticipated that I would be asked to dance at some point. I watched some of my friends snag dance partners, some of which even bought them drinks. I was still having a good time dancing with everyone so it didn't affect me at first... but then it hit me. Although I've always justified not being asked to dance because I was in a relationship, it didn't occur to me that irregardless of being "off the market," I wasn't getting asked. And that was such a shot to my ego. At the beginning of the night, I was so happy and energetic about how good I felt and how far I have come in the two months I've been on SparkPeople. But guys don't really care how far I've come - they see my skinny friends and navigate right past me. I felt numb and was back in that I'll-never-be-the-skinny-girl mentality that I had before SP... It was hard to hold back tears untilI got back to my apartment.

So last night after we got back, one of my newer but good friends sat me down and gave me a pep talk. She talked to me about how I'm beautiful and attractive (which I was clearly not feeling) and how just because some sleazy guys at a bar didn't buy me a drink or ask me to dance doesn't mean I'm not a worthwhile person. I think I knew this all along but it was nice to have her telling me these things and reminding me that I am important, because I definitely did not feel important. She made me realize this and also that my being upset was not stupid because everyone has their own issues.

When you're out, people see you as you are - they see how far you have to go. When I went for my run this morning, I reminded myself of how far I have already GONE. I'm up to running 8 minutes nonstop (C25K week 5) and I've lost approximately 12 pounds in a little over 2 months. I'm happy that I've stuck with this lifestyle change and that I'm starting to actually like parts of myself. I'm looking forward to many more nights out with my girls and the stories we'll come back with from those nights. I especially look forward to going out for me and not with the intention of letting some guy make me feel attractive. I am attractive on my own without anyone else's assistance.

Slowly but surely, I'm going to learn to love all of me just as I am. I know that in due time, I'll lose the weight I need to. For now, I need to worry less, laugh more, and enjoy this crazy ride of life and my last semester of college.

Thanks for reading, those of you who do :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It sounds like you ahve come a long way. You are falling out of your pants and enjoying the thrill running can give you. You will go far...much farther than stupid pigs at the bar will ever get you. It is nice at times to have attention but it can also be really annoying, you may find yourself spilling all those drinks people buy you back on them!

    You're friends sounds like a real keeper. Friends like that can be hard to come by:)

    Great job on your successes. I can tell you will have many more to come.
    1659 days ago
  • BBRITTON1018
    You are a wonderful inspiration to me. You tell how you feel but have a wonderful way of turning negative things into positive outlooks. Your friend is pretty amazing.. be sure she knows that :) Don't let guys stop you from enjoying an evening out with your girlfriends. Congratulations on your last semester of school. I'm a recent (well sorta, 2010) college graduate so I know how exciting this is for you to complete such a hectic chapter in your life. emoticon
    1659 days ago
    Oh girl. I can't tell you how many nights I felt the same way. All of my friends are skinny minis and going out with them was hard. I'm glad you still had fun and your friend was there to support you. I found it very hard to stay on track when I was drinking because I almost always ended up with drunk food. It didn't matter how many calories I saved for the alcohol, I ended up making bad choices that caused me setbacks. I hope you can find a good balance so you still have a really fun final semester. Eventually, your self-esteem will make it so you feel so awesome that you don't want to be approached by the creeps in the bars...haha. You will be too good for them! :) Have a good week!
    1659 days ago
    I'm glad your friend was able to help you see that you are a beautiful person both on the inside and on the outside. It's hard to see how people interact with us but we always have to remember that we are doing this for ourselves and other people's perceptions will be what they will be and not to worry. I know how you feel cuz I've been there so many times. But chin up...we are getting fit and healthy and thats the best reward! :)

    Good job on getting to Week 5 of C25K. That's where I'm at..prolly even the same 8 walk 5 run 8? I'm staying on that day for a 3 looks scary! Run 20! YIKES haha
    1660 days ago
    I know exactly how you feel! I am always the ignored one and always have been no matter what size or shape. It sounds like you have a great friend, I wish we all could have a friend or ten like her. Try to stay positive and remember all that you have lost along the way and how great you feel about what you have accomplished!

    1660 days ago
    I've felt this rejection my entire life. The reality is, I'm now in my late 30s and I still avoid going out because I want to avoid this, what you experienced last night. No matter how good of a mood I am in, or how wonderful I feel about myself, the awareness that I'm being rejected because of my appearance is too much for my heart to take. I want to avoid pain.

    If you are able to get out there and keep those positive feelings flowing and dismiss the rejection and keep smiling, then go for it! But if you need to take a little break until you get to that place, that's okay, too.

    It sucks that I avoid situations like this because of how I'm perceived. I like having fun, but I hate the way that I allow others to make me feel. Ya know what? I'm adding something else to my "Reasons" list (see my blog)! Thank you for sharing this. Your experience really helped me out! See, that's something. emoticon
    1660 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/2/2013 7:27:19 AM
  • ANRRN12
    Girl, I definitely know those feelings all too well. I have always been the third wheel, and it's a huge blow to the ego when your friends are constantly being hit on and bought drinks etc. I actually still struggle with this as I continue to be single and can't find a decent guy to save my life (ugh!!). ANYWAYS...great positivity and emoticon progress!!
    1660 days ago
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