Sunday, September 01, 2013
So this was my first weekend at school after classes started. I'm glad to both be done with the first week and to also have tomorrow off so I can try to get ahead on work. This weekend was definitely an interesting one...
My friends and I went out to a new bar that opened in June. Since we're all 21 now, it was our first taste of the night life. I was feeling pretty good, considering I spent time on my appearance. I also tried on a pair of my jeans that previously fit me comfortably and they were too big to wear out (especially since I don't have any belts here at school). I changed to another pair that was a bit more comfortable but still sort of fell down. It's awkward being between sizes!!
So we got to this bar which had two floors. The top floor was where the DJ and the dancing were, so we went up there and got a table. Everyone ordered something there, and I split a fishbowl with a friend. Drinks are so EXPENSIVE! I was feeling really good because I had a few drinks and I was so happy with the progress I have made so far. Minus my two-week slump in July, I've been motivated and on track and have avoided any major slip-ups thus far. I felt like I looked good and I was having an amazing time laughing with my girls.
After awhile, the bar started to fill up. By this point, we were dancing. I guess I had anticipated that I would be asked to dance at some point. I watched some of my friends snag dance partners, some of which even bought them drinks. I was still having a good time dancing with everyone so it didn't affect me at first... but then it hit me. Although I've always justified not being asked to dance because I was in a relationship, it didn't occur to me that irregardless of being "off the market," I wasn't getting asked. And that was such a shot to my ego. At the beginning of the night, I was so happy and energetic about how good I felt and how far I have come in the two months I've been on SparkPeople. But guys don't really care how far I've come - they see my skinny friends and navigate right past me. I felt numb and was back in that I'll-never-be-the-skinny-girl mentality that I had before SP... It was hard to hold back tears untilI got back to my apartment.
So last night after we got back, one of my newer but good friends sat me down and gave me a pep talk. She talked to me about how I'm beautiful and attractive (which I was clearly not feeling) and how just because some sleazy guys at a bar didn't buy me a drink or ask me to dance doesn't mean I'm not a worthwhile person. I think I knew this all along but it was nice to have her telling me these things and reminding me that I am important, because I definitely did not feel important. She made me realize this and also that my being upset was not stupid because everyone has their own issues.
When you're out, people see you as you are - they see how far you have to go. When I went for my run this morning, I reminded myself of how far I have already GONE. I'm up to running 8 minutes nonstop (C25K week 5) and I've lost approximately 12 pounds in a little over 2 months. I'm happy that I've stuck with this lifestyle change and that I'm starting to actually like parts of myself. I'm looking forward to many more nights out with my girls and the stories we'll come back with from those nights. I especially look forward to going out for me and not with the intention of letting some guy make me feel attractive. I am attractive on my own without anyone else's assistance.
Slowly but surely, I'm going to learn to love all of me just as I am. I know that in due time, I'll lose the weight I need to. For now, I need to worry less, laugh more, and enjoy this crazy ride of life and my last semester of college.
Thanks for reading, those of you who do :)