Sunday, September 01, 2013
everything is quiet at my house. i just woke up from my midnight shift at work. the windows and doors are open, a light cool breeze is coming in. i hear leaves moving in the wind, and birds and other animals all around. i have my coffee in my hand, and i am feeling relaxed. this is a good time, to step back and reflect about my feelings. sometimes the blogs i write, are just a jumbled mess of raw emotions, but this time, i wanted to think though what to write.
this is a long blog, but i hope you take the time to read it. most of the time, i write to get out my feelings, but this is a blog for you...
a few days ago or so, i wrote a blog entitled "worthless and wasting time". i guess a few people connected with it, which is so surprising to me, since i thought i was the only one who felt that way! i can't BELIEVE that others think like i do! after reading all the comments, i went and looked at the person's page, and try to understand where that person is coming from. after reading those of your sparkpages, all who said they connected with me, i am in awe. i must speak to YOU first!
every page i went to (that i could see) and i mean EVERY one, i saw real pictures of you or just read about you, and do you know what??? i did not see ONE person that was ugly, you all are SO VERY BEAUTIFUL, inside AND OUT!
now, i am no cindy crawford, who is considered beautiful, did you know that when she started modeling they told her to get rid of that mole? she said no and that it was a part of her! i am not jillian michaels, who was chunky as a kid, and now is one of the most recognizable trainers ever. and i am not drew barrymore, who sometimes still, they (in hollywood) call fat! no, i am not even close to any of them.
i guess my body perception of myself started when i was a kid. now, i do NOT blame my biological mother, it is still my choice how i react to things, but i think my mother was the one who made me start to feel inferior, and look at my physical faults and short comings. she said when i was in 9th grade, that i should dye my hair, since it was brown and mousey. she told me another time that, yes, my sister was gorgeous, but i had that "inner beauty", and yet another time, she encouraged me to come to her exercise class to get in shape and look better. i look back at pics now, and i was FIT back then!
ANYWAY, one spark friend asked that if i ever find out how NOT to feel worthless and wasting time, to let her know how i did it. well, don't get me wrong, i still have self esteem issues (A LOT OF THEM). but i am not going to keep myself from living anymore. i work at the hospital, in an intensive care unit. i see many people die. and recently, it has dawned on me, that in their last breaths, with family all around them, i can't imagine that they are thinking, "man, out of everything, i wish i was thinner!" i think they are thinking about time spent with loved ones, of when they were carefree living life!
so, i tried to put myself in their position. i know, a bit morbid, but, sometimes shocking thoughts are what is needed to shake me outta crazy thoughts. if i was dying and could only go back to re-live one day... what day would that be? a day i was skinny and all dolled up? no! i would think back to the day my kids were born, believe me, i was NOT skinny, and i certainly was not dolled up! lol! or maybe an awesome family day, or a incredible day with my husband, or with friends. or a day out in nature (by the beach, or camping, biking, walking trails and seeing animals.) i think my outward appearance would be the LAST thing i would be thinking of!
every day we are given is a gift. like the quote, "the past is history, the future is a mystery, but the present is a GIFT. use it." if you were given a present that you knew you would love, would you just leave it wrapped up, and put it on a shelf and say, "i am going to open and enjoy this when i am "this" or "that"? would the person who gave it to you want you to do that, or enjoy it now? God has given me this gift of today, i am going to tear open that gift, and enjoy it right now!
so, what am i doing? i am gonna live each day to the fullest! am i gonna still try to get fit? YES, but i am not going to only "live" when i am my goal weight and goal fitness level! i am gonna live TODAY. i know i will backslide, and feel crummy, but i will try to remember to look back at this blog, give myself a kick in the pants and get living again!
so, that is the way, "I" am gonna start doing things, regardless of how i look, and when i reach my goals (and i do mean WHEN, because i know i am gonna get to my goal weight and goal fitness level) i am gonna continue my love of myself, and these precious moments God has given me.
i challenge you to "tear open" the gift of today (and every other today, from now on), and enjoy that present RIGHT now!
thanks for reading my blog, now get off the computer, and "play" with YOUR gift! and since this is my blog and i can write whatever i want (lol!), let me give you one more suggestion...
take your camera with you! record these special moments... AND PRINT OUT THE PICTURES! don't only throw them up on facebook or here on sparks, or even worse, have 1,000's pics on your camera or those little sticks that hold memory. (fun how they use the word "Memory", for holding YOUR memories!) print them out, put them up around your house, put them in your purse, ENJOY re-living those moments, by carrying them with you. i remember a tv show not to long ago, where this mom had a iphone, with tons of pics of her kids (who she had lost) and that the phone didn't work anymore, and all she had was the stupid, "paperweight" (a.k.a. iphone) to look at, not the actual pictures!
love to all, may God bless each one of you. and thank you for for being there for me, and i hope that i can help some of you, too.
i love a necklace i have... it says, "the JOURNEY is the reward", or to put another way, "life is not a destination, it is the journey!"