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Sunday, September 01, 2013

Well, the wedding was BEAUTIFUL! Unfortunately it was hard to fully enjoy for many reasons:
1) it was HOT!!! I sweated all day long and once it cooled off at night I was FREEZING!!!
2) portapotties--- i refused to use one...need I say anything more?!
3) I didn't feel comfortable dancing much due to sore legs, back and feet killing me.
4) so many skinny and pretty party girls-- I felt so ugly and disgusting all night :(

Other than that though it was a beautiful and wonderful wedding. The bride and groom are absolutely perfect together and the way they put the wedding together (it was farm/country themed) was so them!!

I had a lot of time to think while I sat at the table watching everyone have a good time. First, I realized that even though I want to be outgoing and get up there and party with everyone - I can't escape the reality that I actually CAN'T. If you could feel the physical pain I was enduring all day you would know what I mean.

When I'm thinking about doing all this stuff - such as dancing around with the pretty girls and party all night- it seems so easy in my head. It's as if my mind thinks my body is easier to move around and bend... Kind of like how it is in water- you can move around so easily and so whatever you want in the water-- but when I get out on the dance floor it's like I am coming out of the pool with sopping wet clothes-- hard to move.

So- I made a promise to myself while I was sitting in our hotel room eating breakfast in the dark by myself (Jacob was still asleep). That promise was that I will work on forgiving myself. Forgiving yourself is part of loving yourself.

I will try to forgive myself for destroying my body, and in the process, my self esteem and even my mind.

I will forgive myself right now for my bad choices I will inevitably make in the future.

I will forgive myself for letting so much time pass before trying to fix who I have become.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • EMERCE10
    I know how you feel. I was just blogging yesterday about how one of the things im looking forward to when I lose the weight is wearing pretty dresses to weddings and not hating the pictures of me in them! Just turn the frustration into motivation and let it fuel you to be excited about getting there!
    1629 days ago
    This is so true. I am glad you are forgiving yourself, that is a major part of moving on. Before long you will be dancing too! emoticon
    1633 days ago
  • KITT52
    I understand..I have been there too..

    1633 days ago
    Oh my goodness. I was just writing over at my blog that I was not going to punish myself anymore for all my setbacks. (goal for Sept.) Part of that is forgiveness.
    Thank you for writing this and being so open. I think many of us have conversations with ourselves like this too.

    I have to say that you are beautiful. Hold your head up high. The weight will come off soon. There is no time crunch here.


    Stay strong!
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  • MAGA99
    1634 days ago
    First I would like to are not are BEAUTIFUL!!!!! and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I understand the body hurting and not being able to participate. I did that with my children.... watched them play as I looked on. I'm glad you are forgiving yourself. I forgave myself too and I asked my children for forgiveness also. Life is just to short to go around thinking about what could have been. You are making the lifestyle changes at a young age and I applaud you for that. Your determination will make it easier and easier to stay focused and to reach the goals you want. Do what you can and believe me, it will get better. emoticon
    1634 days ago
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