Sunday, September 01, 2013
Well, the wedding was BEAUTIFUL! Unfortunately it was hard to fully enjoy for many reasons:
1) it was HOT!!! I sweated all day long and once it cooled off at night I was FREEZING!!!
2) portapotties--- i refused to use one...need I say anything more?!
3) I didn't feel comfortable dancing much due to sore legs, back and feet killing me.
4) so many skinny and pretty party girls-- I felt so ugly and disgusting all night :(
Other than that though it was a beautiful and wonderful wedding. The bride and groom are absolutely perfect together and the way they put the wedding together (it was farm/country themed) was so them!!
I had a lot of time to think while I sat at the table watching everyone have a good time. First, I realized that even though I want to be outgoing and get up there and party with everyone - I can't escape the reality that I actually CAN'T. If you could feel the physical pain I was enduring all day you would know what I mean.
When I'm thinking about doing all this stuff - such as dancing around with the pretty girls and party all night- it seems so easy in my head. It's as if my mind thinks my body is easier to move around and bend... Kind of like how it is in water- you can move around so easily and so whatever you want in the water-- but when I get out on the dance floor it's like I am coming out of the pool with sopping wet clothes-- hard to move.
So- I made a promise to myself while I was sitting in our hotel room eating breakfast in the dark by myself (Jacob was still asleep). That promise was that I will work on forgiving myself. Forgiving yourself is part of loving yourself.
I will try to forgive myself for destroying my body, and in the process, my self esteem and even my mind.
I will forgive myself right now for my bad choices I will inevitably make in the future.
I will forgive myself for letting so much time pass before trying to fix who I have become.