""""Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain
In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end
Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone"""
September begins anew, a new year for me. September holds many memories for me and dates...my birth, my parents anniversary, the anniversary of my brothers death. a friend I made and lost. September is my NEW YEARS DAY!!!
I have been planning for some time to do a year in review blog. So today is as good as anytime.
The last year.
Hmmm, well, let me go back to the beginning, Now I have been using SP for around 4 to 5 years now.
But it was last May when I really got serious about "this thang". Having planned to have LB surgery, I had gone to see my surgeon and she wanted me to do the gastric surgery instead. I disagreed with her that it would be better for me.
She suggested I go try to lose as much weight on my own first in order to get my weight down some first. I lost 25 pounds between May and Sept.
How I did so I cannot recall, as this was before I got serious about walking.
In June of 2012 as I have blogged about, my best friend shot and killed a man who had come to his house trying to get inside, etc. You might find more about that if intereted in my blogs from that time.
So, after this, I seen how fragile life is.
I buckled down and got serious, On July 4th, I stopped drinking pop. I went back to the surgeon one final time In August and she still insisted lap band wasnt the right option for me, and so I bid her farewell and set out to prove her wrong and prove to myself I did have the ability to lose weight on my own.
I started walking everyday I could and at first I was lucky to go 20 minutes but I turned it into an hour and sometimes two.
I began losing weight at the fastest rate I had ever lost and between July and Sept I had lost 40 pounds.
Sept on thru Jan was the best time of my life, well, weight loss wise.
I had a very active social life and struggled with drinking alcohol and still walking and sticking to my weight loss plan.
I wasnt a raging alcoholic by any means, but I was going out to bars with my friends alot and found myself having to factor in those calories not to mention sodium, etc.
But I kept on.
I walked as much as possible, usually 2 times a day, no less than 5 days a week and was eating more protein and veggies and really feeling good health in my body for the first time in years.
I began to lose more weight, and lost a total of 71 lbs overall.
Now, around November me and Honey began having relationship issues.
There is alot that went on there that I will not go into. But we just had come to a crossroads, or at least I had and made the decision to leave the relationship.
However, financailly things werent up to par and I ended up staying and over the months we have tried to tough it out.
I am still undecided on this issue and dont really feel like going to deeply into the details just yet.
But around this time I had met and thought I had made one of the best friends I would ever have.
We were fast friends and I was glad to have met them and known them for the short period of time they were in my life.
Then abruptly, after Christmas, I got a message saying they no longer felt they could be my friend and just thought it best if we didnt hang out anymore.
I was dumbfounded and so, to deal with this I poured myself even more intensely into my walking. To this day I havent put that behind me, what did I do wrong, what was the problem, had someone told them something about me that made them want to not be around me, did they really find me a bother???? i still dont know because I havent spoken to them since January and I have no idea. This has been an albatross to me for months and despite knowing in my heart this was about them, it still bothers me.
I used walking as a way to get out frustrations, anger, sadness, emptiness, whatever it was I had to work thru, I did it on the walking track.
And despite feeling the first twangs of depression, I continued to eat right and lose weight.
By Jan 8th I was dealing with this loss and dealing with my other issues, and I was walking, losing and looking forward to a healthy life.
But as I have blogged, On Jan 8th, I broke my foot.
Was at the walking track, had walked about 40 minutes and it just cracked.
Not too much pain, but just couldnt walk on it. To the doc I went, and found out it was a stress fracture.
Seen an orthopaedic surgeon and he said, it was a clean break and didnt require surgery, they gave me a boot and sent me on my way.
However, it was due to this I also discovered I had very low vitamin d.
The doc said this will make healing slower and he put me on a very high dose, I was in a deep depression by now, the sun was never out, it was cold and dark all the time and relationship issues once again had gotten worse.
they had me start wearing a bone growth stimulator to help speed up the healing process and it did work. Still it was slow going.
I felt like I was living in a constant state of limbo.
And the doc was right. healing was super slow. Over 5 months I went for xrays only to be told my foot just wasnt healing and surgery wasnt really an option due to how the bone was broken.
A pin wouldnt have really helped.
So, I was left to wait it out. No walking.
I sunk deeper into depression. And all my friends ran for the door.
No one wanted to hang out with me and hear about my foot and my sorry life.
I had no one, no friends.
So, unable to walk, I tried to find other things, lifting weights, riding my bike, but even that the doctor warned was putting too much weight and pressure on my foot.
Chair exercises held no interest for me, my mind was all over the place. Reading, I used to sit and read for hours, now I cant concentrate on a book for more than 10 minutes at a time.
I feel like climbing the walls.
Around May I decided screw it, I am gonna walk anyway. So I started out slowly, about 20 minutes about 2 times a week.
You know, like most junkies, I thought I just need a little to get me thru.
But I couldnt stop. By June when I seen the doc the last time, I was walking up to 45 minutes.
I was wearing the bgs to bed at night and taking high doses of vitamin d. and thought that had to be helping.
Go ahead and walk if you arent in pain, is what the doc told me at my last visit.
And so I did.
But something had been lost along the way.
All the days of sitting around depressed I allowed those old cravings to creep back in, I wasnt drinking pop, and I was still counting and tracking and sparking,
But I gained, I gained back about 12 pounds in total.
And the scale has been stuck for months.
I havent gained since about June, but havent lost either.
I am right back in that state of limbo. Going no where and going there fast.
Honey works so many long hours, weekends I mostly spend alone.
Working didnt help, because I got a job as a caregiver and I am still inside a home with access to food.
Not junk food, but alot of carbs, poptarts have become my go to comfort now.
I still try to spark and watch my levels, stick to low sodium and get as much protein as I can.
But I rarely work out at all and am not walking like I should be.
2 days a week at best.
Depression is taking over my life and I have no friends to talk to now, except all of you here, SP friends have been a God send to me.
Even those who tell me to wise up and stop being a pain in the butt.
I havent lost sight of my goals but I just need a push or a slap or a hand up or something to get back to where I was this time last year.
Last September was one of the best months of my entire life.
I was losing more weight than I had in my life, my friend was out of jail, we were hanging out alot, the other friend I had made was a constant in my life, daily chats and hanging out and I was feeling more self confidence than I had in my life and it exuded from me.
People were drawn to me.
I was always being invited to hang out, go places, people wanted me in their life.
Now, I cant find a real friend to spend more than 2 mintues of my life with to save my life.
So, Today being the first day of Sept, I set out to change that.
I am setting some goals for myself this month.
1. No more snacking on junk food. including poptarts
2. Back to my tracking daily of my calories and protein, etc.
3. Walking, no less than 4 days a week, 1 hour a day. More if possible.
4. Blood work to check my iron, vitamin d and other levels.
5. getting back to counseling and talking to my doctor about changing my anti-depressant.
6. This is my most lofty goal of all---to walk a 5k walk for Paint it Pink for breast cancer on Sept 21st. the 16 year anniversary of the death of my brother.
7. read more and spend less time online.
8. Find things to do outside of the house when I have no one to do it with, just go and get involved in activiites, maybe I will make a new friend.
9. lift weights, ride my bike and do other in home workouts as often as possible, at least one of these daily.
10. Lose 10 lbs by my birthday, the last day of Sept.
Now that one is lofty as well, but, I had set the goal to lose 20 lbs back in July and it isnt going to happen. So, I will actually at this point be happy with a 5 lb loss.
And finally, find myself again. Stop depending on others to be there for me because they have proven they will not be.
Find what works for me once again. And finally buckle down and make a decision about my future with relationship and try to see the bigger picture.
And continue to spark and thank Sp friends for always being there to read my long boring blogs and offer kind words and encouragement.