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    MARZATAX   30,267
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Not always the rock

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Since my surgery in February, I've made some major changes in my life.
I took up yoga and practice it at least 6 days a week - what a huge impact this has made on my body and my outlook.

I asked for, and was placed on an insulin pump - best decision ever! I feel so liberated and have so much better control.
I changed my diet - low carb - and use my Spark People resources to research and track my nutrients. Then I download and meet with my endocrinologist every 2 weeks to review my diet.
I till have some limitations - after 6 months my foot is still incredibly sensitive - so I cant stand to wear closed shoes of any kind. So I compensate for that...
All is well, I feel healthier, happier, wiser, more in tune with my self.

Then this week - BAM!! I got sick - simple head cold - but I felt miserable. This is when I ran into trouble. I found myself falling into mental patterns I had not experienced in years. My negative thoughts took over and assaulted every shred of positivity that I felt. All of a sudden,. I caught my self calling myself names like 'useless', 'fat', 'dumb', 'bitch' 'worthless'.

Unfortunately my illness triggered old behaviors - directly linked to my growing up and my family telling me every time I was sick - that it was all in my head. They called me useless from time to time, and f at..., and worthless.... and they made me feel like it.
Fast forward some 40 plus years later - I have so many blessings - great job, great family, great support system, great attitude. I practice gratitude daily. I mentor others, I am a rock to my family, my employees and friends-when they need me.
Yet - I could not -seriously - could not - pull myself out of the funk. My insecurities kicked in and took over. The only thing I felt I could do was to continue to put my body through the daily motions of yoga and some half-assed meditation and simply work through it. After about 5 days, my physical symptoms improved and my positivity started to take control.

My point is that I could have shared this with my husband, my sister, my close friends, even this community. I didn't. I hid it. I chose to keep silent. I beat the hell out of myself when perhaps some positive reinforcement from a loved one could have helped me. I wasn't anyone's rock this week. Not even my own.

Lesson learned. Feeling much better.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATTUTT 8/31/2013 9:27PM

    I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time. The self abuse record recorded by people in our young life can come back to haunt you over and over again. It's a really hard demon to kill.

But... and this is a great big BUT... you overcame it. You found something that works {yoga and meditation}, and came out the other side feeling better. Finding something that helps is a huge part of the battle.

I hope you continue to feel better!

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