Friday, August 30, 2013
I am ruled by the scale. I live or die by the number on that little machine. I've gotten past the point where it gives my life value or not, but darn it... It's been driving me crazy that I cannot get back down into the 130s. Let alone the 120s, where I was 30 months ago... before I gained a few pounds to get pregnant, then 9 months of pregnancy, and now 19 months of beautiful wonderful Miss A.
I am stuck. I am easily, comfortably, maintaining a 145. Plus a pound here, or minus a pound there, I've been 145 since Christmas 2012. 2 back to back half marathons and I got down to 141, but as soon as those were over... back to 145.
And you know what? I realized the other day... I don't care! Sure, it would be awesome to slip back into those size 2 jeans I've kept. But, I was OBSESSIVE when they fit. I measured and pinched and poked and skipped and ran until I passed out. I ate green beans and green beans and green beans and salad and green beans and spinach and green beans and green beans. I was still "Healthy" on the BMI, but borderline underweight.
Today, I'm smack dab middle of a healthy BMI. I wear a size 4/6. Most of my tops are smalls. I can run 14 miles and am training for my first full marathon and haven't passed out once from low blood sugar. I lift weights. I eat bread, pizza, cheese, green beans, spinach, salad, roast beef, and okay, more green beans (I really like green beans!). I'm stronger than I was 30 months ago. THAT'S HUGE.
I still have a little niggling desire to get back to "half my original body weight". But, was I healthy at half my original body weight? Was I ever obese enough to need to be half my original body weight? Probably not. Sure, 261 is big. But I don't need to be 130.5 to have worth. I have a lot of worth at 145.
And, its weird, how much pressure I felt 30 months ago... when what I wanted most was recognition for how much I had accomplished. I wanted to be a "spark celeb". I wanted a "popular blog post" and a magazine feature (I was interviewed, but not chosen for a major magazine article). And part of me still wants that. I watch Extreme Makeover, WL edition and think... I did that, I did that without a trainer and a free home gym! Where's my $25,000 gift card from Walmart?! Where's my recognition?
But, really, I'd have to be less happy with myself to push for that recognition again. I'd have to be getting my value from that darn number again.
I spent part of this last week back "home". I spent time with family and friends as we celebrated my grandmother's life. She passed away on August 23. She was 99 years old and she died on her 75th wedding anniversary. She simply decided that, "I'm going to spend my anniversary with my beloved." and she left us. And, for the first time since I've lost the weight... no one mentioned my appearance. Neither good, nor bad. We talked about Grammie. We talked about running and soccer and kids and life and work. But, never once about my appearance. And, you know what... that's amazing. It's wonderful. I'm no longer "Weight Loss Melanie". I'm just Melanie.
And, I think that's Just Fine!