Friday, August 30, 2013
I realized today that I use my fat clothes as armor to sheild myself against others. While I was standing and waiting for my group, I was taking a look at the other teachers of all different sizes. Then I got to thinking about my clothing. I wear very baggy jeans (they were given to me) and have a very baggy shirt. I believe though, that I use that clothing to 1) Hide how big I am (although wearing big and baggy doesn't really help you look that much smaller.) 2) And to help me hide in the background. I wondered if one reason that I don't try harder is the fact that when I do start losing weight that people will eventually notice and talk to me. Although I really want to talk with people and connect somehow it also terrifies the pants off of me! :) What do I say, will I remember what they say? What will they think of my answers? What questions do I ask? It is easier to just fade into the background and want for all of that rather than to be in a "spotlight" (or even just on the stage) and end up having to interact with someone. (and to think that I used to be on stage in High School in starring roles no less....)
I don't know...this was just some thinking that I was doing this morning. I am writing this on my short lunch break and am very thankful that I am actually getting to say all of this before I forget.
I want to lose weight and it would be neat for others to notice, but I think I do worry about what they would think of me and how I would respond to their comments and questions. (good and bad....hopefully not the bad though). Then there is also that element of what if I get started really well, people notice and then I screw up. I fear those glances (I know this is all in my head...and if it isn't, those people aren't important.) that say to me, "See, I knew you couldn't do it."
I hope you all have a wonderful and relaxing 3 day weekend! :)