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Off Balance and Floating

Friday, August 30, 2013

I’m over this week.

I mean, it had some great moments. I’m really glad that I got to see my best friend.

[But even that is making me sad now that she’s gone. I wish I had such good friends nearby on a regular basis. It brought back a lot of nostalgia and I realized how much life has changed. It is a lot to process.]

I’m glad my wallet came back to me in one piece. I got really lucky there.

I also had a great experience with Keurig customer service. Our Keurig is only about a year old and has been slowly brewing less and less. I measured a 6 oz brew for a 10 oz selection. I’ve tried cleaning it and all, no luck. I called them on Wednesday and we had a brand new one on our doorstep 24 hours later – for free. Crazy!

I keep feeling disconnected and melancholy this week. I’m forcing myself right at this very moment to identify these positive things. I don’t understand how my brain flipped on me like this. I was doing so well! I don’t mean to drag you down with me.

I found out this week that I’ll be moving teams at work. I’m not surprised. I’ve been through this before. The only difference is that in my previous world, the move was a big plus. This time – I’m likely under a manager that I REALLY don’t want to work for on a team with some really negative people. If I had interviewed with them originally, I probably wouldn’t have wanted the job. Now this guy is going to dictate my job to me and I’m not looking forward to it. Right now I don’t even know what my job IS, so I suppose I should be glad to get SOME direction, but what if the direction comes down from someone who doesn’t even TRY to use a GPS, nor listen to anyone who suggests he use one? I’m struggling pretty hard to be positive right now. I know I should roll with it and see what happens, I might be wrong, but my gut says differently.

I’ve definitely noticed a correlation between this lost/confused/sad feeling and my nutrition/fitness. I sort of don’t care, but also really hate myself? Last night I ate a few more French fries, and at first I was all “I don’t care, I’m eating these fries” and ten minutes later my brain is all “You idiot, you ate those fries?! What is wrong with you?! Your belt is tight because you ate too much and you’re fat!” etc etc It definitely doesn’t help that in the middle of this internal battle, my mom holds over her phone with a picture on it like “Look how skinny your sister has gotten!” in one of the many bragplaining selfies she posts all of the time.

I really, really, really struggle with balance and my mindset. Last night I even briefly considered not eating today until dinnertime because of the French fries, even though I know I would make myself sick by doing that. On one hand I’m fighting urges to super control everything, and on the other hand I want to not care at all. How can I just eat well, exercise more, and not either obsess or forget it?!?!?! My brain seems to have a super unhealthy relationship & understanding when it comes to food. I have seriously been considering seeking some professional help, but I can’t afford much more in terms of medical bills. My PT costs me an arm and a leg, and now I am paying more in gas for my longer commute. Does anyone out there know of some free and/or super inexpensive resources for learning how to find some balance in my life?

I am going to try implementing some meditation time on my own. These blogs make me feel better. But they aren’t an answer.

I also know that I need to reestablish some healthy routines now that the move is over and work will hopefully be lining itself up. Packing my food, working out, holding myself accountable. Maybe even going back to writing down positive things each day. Meditating. Finding more healthy things to eat and cook. Taking my vitamins and trying to do more strength training. All of the things I should probably be naturally doing but for some reason don’t come naturally to me. I need to work at it, I know that. Now I just need to do it.

Maybe if I force some balance on myself, maybe one of these days it will stick?!

Anyways, we’re off to Pittsburgh this weekend to see my bf’s family. It will be nice to get away. I hope it will shake me up a bit in a good way. I’m going to try to eat well (in a city that puts French fries on its salads though) and keep booze to a minimum on this holiday weekend. But either way, tomorrow is a new day, next week is a new week, I have lots of chances to “start over” and “be better” – and as Nike says, I just gotta do it.

Hope ya’ll have a great weekend!
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  • SUMMER2203
    i think routine will make a huge difference -- i know it does for me. i start to get anxious and then...not caring and then... feeling guilty when i break my routine. i think getting organized, getting good groceries and getting some exercise will start to make you feel better. sorry you're in a funk!!!
    1658 days ago
    hugs, it's okay to feel grateful but also be having a hard time - remember, everyone feels like you do. I don't have a solution for the balance issue but I hope things look different after you return!
    1659 days ago
    Does your work have an EAP (employee assistance program)? Most EAPs in addition to offering work/life resources include free counseling session on a short term basis, 5 or so. It might be just what you need. Also, sweetie, you may need to cut yourself a break. You just moved, your bf started new job, a family wedding , your boss left. It's a lot of change over a short period of time and sometimes you just need to give yourself time to process everything and get into your new groove. My new job is super stressful now and I've been working long days. Exercise has been very hard to squeeze in and I've been beating myself up about it. But I decided to be kind to myself, realize that as soon as I get the new work/back to school routine down, I'll find my exercise time slot. Sometimes somethings just gotta give. And it's ok.
    1661 days ago
    hang in there
    1662 days ago
    1662 days ago
    My friends are all far away too. I miss them..

    My bf went through 4 keurigs that kept doing that EXACT thing before we gave up. Quit while you are ahead!! My mom has a cuisinart k-cup brewer, and it seems to work well.

    I've been struggling lately too. ugh! It IS really hard to care sometimes! I don't have any good advice for it really. Generally, these phases will pass for me and then I'm back on the health wagon eventually. Since my bf's accident its been pretty tough for us... but he got the all clear today for anything but lifting more than 25 pounds per arm so here we go! He wants us to start a very structured routine starting Sept 1. Not looking forward to it, but it isn't a bad idea. i'm just worried of burning out. blah!
    1662 days ago
    I definitely without a doubt feel bad, depressed, (insert negative decriptor here), when I don't eat right but ESPECIALLY when I don't work out. I think you are onto something with that. I'm sorry all the stressors and little remaining loose ends of all the happenings over the past weeks are piling up on you, emotionally speaking. Treat yourself right this weekend. Love yourself and each other. Every day is a new day.

    1662 days ago
  • TIGER_LILY_613
    If you have a treat day (like, eating fries yesterday), starving yourself till dinner is not the way to go - your body might go into starvation mode and hang on to everything it gets :( Plus, at that point, you may be SO hungry by the time dinner rolls around that it will be very difficult to make good choices about food, and you may end up overeating (been there, done that, got the XXL t-shirt !)

    Some people call them cheat meals - I prefer to call them treat meals, because you WILL have them once in a while, it's unrealistic to say you won't . Try to plan ahead, or say, I'll have one or two cheat meals a week, so you don't beat yourself up when you do.

    After a treat meal, the best way to move forward is to just eat healthy food - leafy greens, lean protein, complex carbs, a little bit of healthy fat and some fruit. Your body knows how to repair itself, if you give it what it needs.

    If you have Netflix, try watching "Hungry For Change". I highly recommend it !

    It sounds like you have a great exercise routine planned. Don't think working out comes naturally to anyone - it really doesn't :) It takes time to set up a routine you can stick to. What makes it easier to commit to is finding something you really like, and making your schedule in a realistic way so that you can get your exercise done. For example, if your gym is near the office, working out in the morning before work could be a great idea, so you don't run the risk of cancelling your sessions later in the day.

    I hope you find the balance you seek. Best of luck to you.

    1662 days ago
    Ugh, that voice. It's good that you are at least aware that the voice is there and trying to dictate your actions. Since you're aware of it, even if you can't stop it, you can take steps to train yourself to ignore it. Sometimes I find it helps to say positive things out loud to yourself until you believe it and drown out the bad voice... just don't do this in public, lol.
    1662 days ago
    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! Stress in your life definitely crosses over to fitness and nutrition and messes with them. Yesterday morning I was having a SERIOUS self hate melt down. I was calling myself horrible names, saying awful things, basically bad enough that my best friend who NEVER yells at me totally flew off the handle and said some super mean things to me. But I deserved it. So what I made myself do is take pictures in my underwear, and compare them to my starting pictures. And oh wow, was it a kick in my butt. Seeing how far I've come makes me NOT want to give up. I recommend trying something like that, if nothing else but to force yourself to look at how far you've already come, what you don't want to go back to, and what you can achieve! You are strong and wonderful!

    1662 days ago
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