Friday, August 30, 2013
I have been diligent with my intake and daily tracking thereof --except, oddly today. I have had the great proud feeling of dropping the first 15 lbs, only to go up 3 again due to that delightful (NOT!!!) time of month. But I perservered through it and today I'm down again, and have now crossed the 16 lb loss mark.
So that's all going well.
But. And this is a big but: I am having big problems in my life right now, that have slowly been manifesting them for a number of years, but that are at the point of reaching crisis proportions. My husband of 19 years (next Tuesday) is -- and I have verbal confirmation of this from him since about a month now -- only in our relationship because of our kids. Yup. Things haven't been rosy -- well maybe they have. but right now there are no roses. Just thorns. long, deep sharp ones. And they have effectively eroded my self esteem and my confidence. I haven't been able to stand up to him about much of anything over the years, and just literally forgot and forgave. Forgiving was easy, but it took years to learn how to forget. Now I'm at the point that I cannot actually remember the details of what upset me as early as 1/2 hour after the upsetting event. And it doesn't take much anymore to shake me. I don't see the good sides in me anymore, and I feel its all my fault. I comprehend the logic that it is not, but no matter how I analyze it it always points back to me.
The crisis I've reached now is that I have encountered a few instances -- albeit small ones -- but ones that matter anyway-- and showed-- where I've lost my confidence at work too. And I cant get out of that mindset either. I've had lots of tears lately, completely overwhelmed, and in a fog where I can't figure out what i need to do.
I have confided in a colleague of mine who is a nurse, and really amazing at picking situations apart (we've known each other for 16 years) and I think it's clear that I need help, and that means starting on antidepressents to help me think clearly and not always feel down and crushed and also to start some counseling therapy -- at first on my own because I need to get my strength back before I can even contemplate asking my husband to join -- don't know if he'd even go.
So it's rough right now. And with the demands of school for the kids and all their activities coming up real soon, along with grey/wet weather, I am really worried that I might have a complete and utter breakdown.
So on the advice of my friend, I will seek treatment for depression on Wednesday (that really scares me) and will need to try to find a good counsellor who can help me get my head on straight again so I can heal.
I don't know if our marriage will be mendable. I am not giving up hope at this point. But I am mentally preparing myself that it might not be.
I am grateful to have started sparking and that at least I feel I'm in control of my weight right now. I can do this. Not to please my husband. But because it feels good and I will be healthier and therefore better for it.
Sorry for dumping....
I had to write this down while I had a moment I wasn't completely in tears and could actually write somewhat coherently.....