For the first time since getting healthy, I'm scared to continue...
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Wow, it feels good to just write those words out to the world. I haven't had the guts to say it to myself outloud yet. The truth is that I've lost 67 pounds and I'm comfortable where I am. I am back to the size I was in graduate school almost ten years ago. I'm getting compliments about my weight loss, I'm more active and flexible than I was at 300 pounds. But I'm terrified to continue to get healthy.
I want to lose at least another 50 pounds, getting me to the size I was in college when I thought I was fat, but right now that seems like an absolutely impossible goal to achieve. On top of me not really believing I can do it, I've been avoiding any additional weight loss. I've allowed myself to get busy again, talk myself out of my planned work-out, etc. I just am not sure I want to have any more change in my life.
To top everything off, I have to get more new clothes. Even the stuff I bought in June is baggy on me, and my colleagues are considering an intervention. But new clothes are expensive, and I just scheduled my third root canal of the year for tomorrow. I am officially broker than I have ever been, and although I know new clothes will make me feel better, not getting more into debt would make me feel good too.
So, I've given in and am going shopping this weekend. But I already don't enjoy shopping, and this time I have zero idea what size I am. I have clothes that fit around my waist but not my legs and I'm just frustrated even thinking about trying on different stuff. I"m proud of my progress and successes, but I think mentally I have hit my limit. I'm struggling to view myself in my current size, to plan ahead as if I'll continue to lose, and am just tired. Maybe that's what it comes down to: I'm scared of the un-known and I am tired.
Now what do I do? I have figured all of this out over the past couple weeks, and I have still not done anything about it. I know that right now my life feels really full. I know that I want to some day be thin/healthier, but even with all of the information I have learned in the past eight months, I can't even think about where to start. All of that new found knowledge has gone out the window and I am living life without really thinking. I don't like this side of me, and I'm ready to change, just not sure how to do it.
67 pounds down and now it's time to face my fear and get back to work on remaking my body, getting smaller and healthier. With all of your support of course!