Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I have truly led a blessed life. My childhood was wonderful. Two loving parents whom claim they're soulmates. Married over 40 years now. A younger brother that I fought with growing up only to see him fight through challenges to become the wonderful father and husband he is today. Catholic girls high school with an excellent education, college to become a nurse. Met the guy I thought was the love of my life as a senior in highschool. Married just after I graduated college. Had a baby a year later. Moved into a house with a picket fence that backed up to a horse farm immediately after. I mean, seriously. Then, something in the Universe happened. Something went.... NOPE. Your time of loving life is over. And life has... gone to sh*t ever since.
My husband developed a narcotic addiction, cheated on me with an 18 year old that worked under him then beat me up when I walked in on that fiasco. I became a single mom to the true love of my life, my son. He's kept me sane. A few years later, I developed a life threatening allergy to latex, the main ingredient used in hospitals. As a nurse, this doesn't work out too well. I'm usually in the ER every other month for this as latex is in EVERYTHING. I lost my job, found another one at a 'latex safe' hospital in the area, however their training was not latex safe, had multiple reactions in a row, was on a ventilator for a week, was fired, was out of work for most of the year, almost lost my house, went into HUGE debt. Then, fell and broke my wrist, which developed a sub cutaneous blood clot which then went into my lungs (something that is almost impossible). Have had pancreatitis, gall bladder removal, swine flu, lap band in and removed when I was diagnosed with small intestine bacterial overgrowth (SIBO- another weird and rare thing), on and off steroids for years now....
This year has been the worst. New Years Eve, I was raped by my former best friend's husband. My son was diagnosed by one provider with Autism and by another with NonVerbal Learning Disorder Syndrome (NVLDS) and pending another opinion since the two can't agree, I've had pancreatitis again, went in the ER with chest pain a week later my ankles looked like 20 month pregnancy ankles and they're thinking I've got Pulmonary Hypertension (currently going through testing). It's just been a hell of a year.
You might think I'm complaining. I know it sounds like it. However, I truly am blessed in this crazy thing I call my life. I do get frustrated and I've emotionally eaten my way through a lot of it. Combine that with the amount of steroids I've taken and viola! You get me... over 300 lbs with a pretty face. ;) I don't want to have a pretty face. I'm truly tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling so incredibly gross all the time. I don't feel pretty anymore. At all.
There are things in my life that will not change. I cannot change the fact I have this stupid life threatening allergy. It's everywhere. It will probably kill me someday. I cannot change the fact that my son's father is a jerk. I cannot change what happened on NYE. I cannot change the current medical situation I'm in. I can try to change the way I think about myself. That's part of the big journey I'm starting here. I want to like myself again. I used to, but that was a very long time ago. I want to be proud to fit into clothes that look nice on me and not feel like I have to display "the girls" to get attention from guys.
I've been through a lot in life. There's a lot more to come. I'm so very lucky to be surrounded by the people I have in my life. Without them, I'd be lost and for sure wouldn't have made it this far. I can control what I put inside my mouth to eat.
It's taken me a long time to get here. Unfortunately, it will not be overnight for these changes to take place. I think that's what has hindered me in the past from making the changes I need to make. I want to be healthy, inside and out. It takes however long it takes. I'm in it for the long run. Mistakes and all. I appreciate all the support I can get. :)