Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I've been on a giant slide...from 194-2001 And I know why. Every day there is an
"exception" .....I EVEN had a McDonald's cheeseburger yesterday...I was hungry (unprepared) and was the ' restaurant' chosen by my friend who was driving me home yesterday from visiting my mom in the hospital. It seems like every day there is some
"unavoidable" need for me to eat junk. Granted, I did not eat a quarter pounder or a big Mac....nonetheless, had a Had a bag of veggies with me, that would not have been necessary.
A big part of my problem is my husband and daughter who are less than thrilled with the food choices I have available to me on the Eat to Live program...Do I just make meals for myself? Do I cook two meals? Do I let them swing? do I cave in and just eat to please them? I know for one thing I cannot and will not do anymore. I'm sick to death of choosing foods with them in mind....because that is a guaranteed kick in the pants. All that will buy me is criticism and angst.
So what can I do? I could make some kind of salad (with cold grains, veggies and a sauce) and keep it in the fridge for myself to eat...Then I could cook something easy for them. But I don't think this is feasible. I am less and less able to cook and two meals a day is just beyond me. I may be able to cook them one meal a week of a food they both like. And ten tell them for the rest of the week that they are on their own. If they want, they are welcome to eat what I'm eating with the requirement that no complaints are allowed. This will have to suffice. I do not have the strength for anything more. And if i do not follow this eating plan....I'm going to regain all the weight I'd lost. This past week is evidence of that.
And honestly? If I can cook JUST FOR ME I might actually enjoy the process of selecting food and preparing it for myself And I need to really focus myself Actually meditate on uplifting, motivating things ....segments of the books I have of Dr. Fuhrman. quotations, Scripture...Purge out the toxic thoughts I have and try to replace that thinking with positive and God-honoring thoughts. This is a crucial juncture I'm standing on. I stand to lose (regain) all the ground I've already lost.
My husband is in the process of eating himself to death. He's eating sweets (a whole large package of M&Ms each week and chips)...I do not have to allow him to drag me down with him Today while I was in the shower after weighing myself and seeing I'd regained some more weight I had to struggle for quite a while to regain my mental equilibrium. I actually decided that I was going to ditch the diet. I've been struggling with some hopeless thoughts and felt the tug of a down the drain mind set. This whole family is unhealthy mindset---each of us are struggling wifh hopelessness. and more or less active suicidal thinking. That is a road I've walked before and one I'd promised myself not to travel again.. However the risk I'm taking by agreeing to take Actemra and MTX ,,, two extremely dangerous medications....could take my life from me without any planning or effort on my part. And I tell myself it's OK. It's a risk Im ready to take. Because I'm just as willing to lose my life as I am to receive relief. I know that's hard for someone to understand....but the fact is I'm struggling with three major illness which are NOT GOING TO GO AWAY. My life is going to be progressively difficult and more and more painful and limited ---do I want to hang around and watch that happen? No I do not. And you see? All these dilemmas must be worked out and my approach must be congruent with my desire to live and be healthy or to refuse that path. I personally believe that that card is in the Lord's deck....It's his to play. I cannot usurp his plan for me. That means I must do my best to be healthy...If death then comes...No one can say I did it to myself.
I will not seek it. Nor will I turn it away.
Sorry for the serious nature of this blog...but I needed to work that out for myself