sometimes i wonder how i can be so naive!
okay, so here it is... another totally rough and honest blog....
i am worthless and wasting the time, body and spirit God gave me. no, i am not trying to gain sympathy, i just came to realize what i must think of myself, if i look at my behavior.
friends and family have invited me to many places and activities, and i almost ALWAYS say, "no"
this is not because i don't want to, far from it! i really DO want to go, i really Do want to do the activity, but i say no.
what the heck? why do i do this?
well, APPARENTLY, i think i am too fat
(i guess the "proper" term is FUGLY.) do i say those words? well, i guess, SOMETIMES. but more often or not, my reason is an unconscious one. i don't want to go do "whatever" because i am too fat and unattractive.
i actually hear my inner voice saying, "you can when you are fit and your hair is colored, and cut and styled, make-up on, flattering clothes on."
, (but i won't get my hair cut, styled, colored, nor will i get flattering clothes until i have lost the weight) you will be happy when you have the outward appearance is fit and beautiful.
you won't have fun, you will have people staring at you, wondering why you are out looking like "that" (whatever THAT is).
on some level, i guess i think that when i hit my weight goal, and look good, then, and ONLY then can i enjoy life. WHAT THE HECK?
i know better than that! then WHY do i decline? i can see people of MANY shapes and sizes doing thing i want and desire to do so badly. i ENVY them, their self esteem so high, they don't care what other people think, they KNOW they are worthy and they are gonna do what they want.
it is so crazy. if i were watching a movie about a girl who acted like this, i would feel pity for her, and remind her that she IS worthy, and let her know that she is wasting so much of her life thinking she has to look a certain way, weigh a "right" weight. tell her that God made her, and God doesn't make junk.
again, i don't do this intentionally, it just happens. i think i finally came to the realization yesterday... where i was actually conscience of what i was saying. a friend wanted me to go to the renaissance festival. and always my reply to something like that is, "oh! i would love to go, but i would feel better if i was at my goal weight. i don't want others to see me like this." really??? do i think that people walk by me and stare and wonder why i ever left the house? do i think people really care?
goodness! what is wrong with me? no one cares what i look like, so why am i so hung up on it? when i get to my goal weight will i really be happier? come on, i know better than that! more than likely i will say, "what the heck? why did i wait so long?"
if nothing else, i should go to the renaissance festival, and take pictures of myself having fun, heaven knows i would have a blast! and then go next year, at my goal weight and be able to see myself having fun BOTH times!
God gave us each a certain amount of time, am i really gonna waste it, because i don't look right? at the end of people's life their regrets are things they didn't do. not regret that they didn't look perfect.
geesh, i KNOW this! i am NOT that shallow to look only on outward appearances!
in fact, i can see beauty in most everyone, but i refuse myself life, until i look a certain way. i bet you, God is up there smacking His forehead, saying, "i made you, you are beautiful, you see it in others, see it in yourself."
this blog isn't about self-pity, FAR form it! it is about me, coming to the realization that i do this to myself, subconsciously, and then, recognizing it, and doing something about it. make my bucket list, DO the things on my bucket list. i am not guaranteed a long life, i am not even guaranteed tomorrow! make every day count! i am starting today
, i am gonna stop
evaluate WHY i declined an invitation to do something.
am i not going because i don't want to go, or something else?
enjoy life now. i am gonna be 46 yrs old, in less than two weeks. i am not gonna wast a another single day... make every day count!