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    STEPH-KNEE   73,424
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A Chat With 272-Pound-Stephanie

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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I have been having a rough week! When I say rough, I mean disaster area type stuff. emoticon I have eaten, and eaten until I was overly full emoticon, and then eaten some more! I have not done that in several months. I have probably gained 2 pounds this week (will know the damage Wednesday afternoon at weigh in), but more importantly I feel bloated and sluggish. This has ended up affecting my dog Sparky emoticon, because instead of our regular 2-3 mile walks, he's been getting jipped with measly 1 mile walks. He definitely doesn't deserve that... if I won't turn things around for me, I at least need to turn things around for him.

So my girl Susan and I were talking about how lately I've been eating like 272-pound-Stephanie. This means 3000+ calories a day in some cases. Other days maybe 2400, but far more food than I (or anyone for that matter) needs. For a brief second I thought to myself, 272-pound-Stephanie had it GOOD. I mean she could eat whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. She never EVER worried about how many calories were in something or "if she should eat that". She didn't have to worry about finding time to exercise because she didn't exercise. But then I thought there was a lot more that 272-pound-Stephanie had to deal with that I was blocking out. I was forgetting about all of those things. So Susan suggested that I have a quick chat with 272-pound-Stephanie, make a list, and then send her on her way. No offense to her but I don't want her sticking around.


So of course I started off asking her how great it was to be able to eat whatever, whenever with 0 consequences. This was her response:

"Food is great! I eat almost nothing other than fast food and I love eating chicken strips, burgers, and french fries all the time."

I couldn't lie, she had me intrigued... not worrying about food or calories ever? How great is that? She saw the twinkle in my eye, and just as I responded "That sounds great!" She cut me off right there and she gave it to me straight!

"You aren't seeing the big picture. Eating whatever, whenever is the ONLY redeeming quality about the way I am living, and to be honest that is what is causing me the most damage. It is physically exhausting carrying around all this weight. I get winded walking up the 7 stairs to my bedroom. Tying my shoes is a struggle, doing the dishes hurts my knees and my back from all the standing. I can't walk through Target without breaking into a sweat. Each night before I go to bed, and I struggle to turn over, I say to myself I wish I could find the strength to lose this weight. The extra weight sits on my chest, and sometimes it is uncomfortable even just laying down. Having to buy bigger and bigger clothes because I am growing out of them makes me feel even more defeated. So trust me when I tell you, all of that food comes with a lot of consequences."

I immediately remembered how all of those things felt. I chose to block out all of the negative things and focused on the 1 thing that I thought was fun (back then). I had already learned my lesson but before 272-pound-Stephanie left, she let me know all of the things that she was jealous of... and reminded me to be thankful for what I have, and that I need to FIGHT to keep it.

"You do many many things I wish I could do. You can walk up and down the stairs with ease, doing dishes is no big deal for you. You can walk your dog Sparky 3 miles and I can not even walk him to the corner. The physical and emotional exhaustion that comes from carrying this weight is no longer a burden for you. You also have grown much more confident not only in your ability to lose the weight, but in life in general. You do not want to go back to where you were, so stop eating like you want that life back. We both know that it's not the life you want and it is not a place you want to return to. Keep your head up, dust yourself off, and work on getting deeper into Onederland!"

Okay okay, so that might have been a silly way to approach things, I didn't actually have this conversation with myself... but seeing the huge difference between the way I used to live and the way I live now made me realize just how far I have come. I will never forget what it was like to be so far overweight, but sometimes if we don't tap into that part of ourselves and give ourselves a gentle reminder, we can let that part slip away. We have to remember it is worth it and we have to continue to fight for what we want. We didn't set out on this journey because we didn't want to change something, and sometimes we have to go back to the very beginning and get in touch with why we are doing this.

So whether I have a 1-3 pound gain at weigh in, I will take that number, and I will do the work to get the weight off, and to keep doing the work to get to my goal weight. THEN I'm going to do the work, for a lifetime to KEEP the healthier body that I have worked so hard to get. This is going to be a lifetime struggle, but I don't mind struggling to keep something that I truly want. emoticon



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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATNCAG 7/14/2014 5:29PM

    Great blog! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GWINNER1 11/18/2013 7:15AM

    Staying on track is not easy but oh so worth it. Great job getting it back together.

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PROVERBS31JULIA 10/18/2013 12:22AM

    Thank you for this swift kick in the rear! I need to have a long overdue talk with the old Julia ...

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GRAMPIAN 10/13/2013 5:10AM

  Interesting blog. emoticon

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EFFRAYECHILDE 9/17/2013 8:41AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SERASARA 9/16/2013 5:05PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MRSRIGS1 9/11/2013 2:25PM

    What a GREAT blog! I think it IS a GREAT idea to talk to our 'old' self so he/she can remind us why we are choosing a new and healthy lifestyle. We all stumble a bit along the journey BUT the important lesson is to dust ourselves off and NEVER give up on ourselves!

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WHITEANGEL4 9/9/2013 11:06PM

    Great blog , enjoyed readinf

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NETSUE64 9/7/2013 2:47PM

    Thank you for this blog. I have recently really been craving food and missing the way I used to eat. I don't miss how things were, just the food, like MILKSHAKES! Your blog reminded me that what I have is worth all the decisions not to eat the way I used to. It's not one big decision, it's lots of them all day long, every day.

The one thing you didn't mention that pulled me through was: I do NOT miss the way I felt when I ate way too much. Bloated, sick, and only wanting to nap.

Good job and good luck with the next weigh in. You're doing awesome!

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ROUNDTOWNMOM 9/7/2013 9:52AM

    I need to have this conversation with myself....................thanks!!!
!!!! AND Way to go getting to onederland!!!

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CRYSALLIS1 9/6/2013 9:50PM

    Great idea. I'll remember to do the same thing with the old me as needed!!! Thanks for sharing.

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CMCRUZ01 9/3/2013 6:41PM

    Great job getting yourself back on track!

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GRLTAZ 9/3/2013 3:19PM

    Applause (for you) ! It kind of reminds me of the weight loss commercials on tv lately but I wish I had done this the first time I lost the weight and maybe I would not have gained it back plus another 50 lbs. My angels pointed me to spark today when I got called to stay home instead of work and you are just the thing I needed. Thank you !

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MANDYLOVE_76 9/3/2013 12:19PM

    emoticon

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BANDMOM2012 9/3/2013 10:07AM

    Great inspiration for me today :) Thank you!

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VERAMSW 9/2/2013 7:52PM

  This blog was very powerful, the tool of having a dialogue with your prior self is awesome. I especially liked the statement about not wanting to go back to what you were so why are you eating as if you do want to go back there? I have back-slid a lot and keep struggling to get my mojo back. A dialogue with my re-emerging past self sounds like it could be very helpful. Thank you for sharing!

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MILLYDALLY 9/2/2013 6:21PM

    Yeah.. I think I might have to have a conversation with 220-lb Emily...
Great blog!

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JAKENELL 9/2/2013 11:09AM

    I truly needed to read your words today. I have been on the brink of giving up and going back to the "old me." I am sorry to admit that I have done that pounds-wise - but not my ATTITUDE and that is what counts!
I am going to sit down and actually write a list about the "old me" and use it to provide encouragement to myself.
Thank you for the motivation and inspiration.
Sheila

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4GREEN4 9/1/2013 10:47PM

  emoticon

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LUVTOBOWL 9/1/2013 7:53PM

    What a way to look at your journey! emoticon

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LEANMEAN2 9/1/2013 7:09AM

    Good luck with your goals.

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THESHELBSTER 9/1/2013 6:54AM

    Oh Stephanie. This blog made me cry. This is one of the best blogs I have ever read. I loved it.

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MYAKAYAH 9/1/2013 12:32AM

    I needed this perspective, to be willing to fight to get what I want. It may be a struggle (it is) but the payoff is worth it~ emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GINGERGAL12 8/31/2013 9:12PM

  emoticon

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ZAPPATTACK 8/31/2013 5:18PM

    This was so inspiring to read!! Thank you for sharing your perspective :)

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40PUDDLEJUMPER 8/31/2013 1:26PM

    emoticon

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ASCHU2 8/31/2013 12:50PM

    Thank you so much for posting this. It made me tear up, because I've been struggling with the same thoughts this last week. I am a teacher, and the first day of inservice this past week, I ate like "Old Amber," which meant all the food put out in the staff room (even though I'd brought my own healthy choices), in the quantities I used to eat it (probably 2 or 3 times the amount my coworkers would eat), AND I couldn't seem to stop myself with my thoughts. I would think,"you've already had 5 mini chocolates-why are you reaching for more?!?" and I would do it anyway! I thought I had kicked "Old Amber" to the curb, and it was frustrating to know that she's still there. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has to keep fighting, because some days I feel like I should have "arrived" at listening to my hunger signals. Great job-and thanks for giving me a boost today!!

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ILIKETOZUMBA 8/31/2013 9:35AM

    That was AWESOME. What a great reminder of why we're all doing this and why we've chosen to take up more exercise, even if it's boring/painful/time-consuming sometimes, and why we've chosen to give up unhealthy foods that don't properly nourish our bodies. Thank you for sharing this. :)

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NANCYTUNBERG64 8/31/2013 9:27AM

    I love the internal dialog. We all have it but are just no honest about it. Thank you for letting us know how important it is to be honest with ourselves.

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ADAPTINGANNIE 8/31/2013 8:49AM

    Thank you for sharing this. Your candid talk with yourself has led me to rethink some recent actions. Going to have that same "little chat" with myself. Enjoy your journey deeper into "One-der-land".
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IMGLAMRUS 8/31/2013 7:38AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SASSYTHING52 8/31/2013 1:13AM

    really emoticon

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CORNERKICK 8/31/2013 1:08AM

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IMTCDZ 8/31/2013 12:13AM

  Great blog! emoticon

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JOANNHUNT 8/30/2013 11:30PM

    CONGRATULATIONS. WAY TO GO. WOO HOO.

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SCRAPBECCA 8/30/2013 11:28PM

    thanks for your candid and honest post!

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JERICHO1991 8/30/2013 10:27PM

    Thanks for sharing. Let's keep struggling and never give up.

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NANCYPAT1 8/30/2013 10:10PM

    How true

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ILUVTHE80S 8/30/2013 9:05PM

    I loved the way you wrote this it is so cute! My heaviest weight was 273 a year ago and now I'm at 256. Not in onederland yet, but I hope to be next year. Excuse me, while I go talk to my 273 pound self.

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ALLEGRO13 8/30/2013 6:22PM

    Loved your post!

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ALIDOSHA 8/30/2013 5:02PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ELIZABETH5268 8/30/2013 4:59PM

    Your friend had a great idea. Sometimes I get frustrated with being choosy about my food and working out almost everyday. BUt then I eat something I wouldn't eat anymore and I feel sick or I don't work out and then I feel lazy and have less energy. Maybe I should have a talk with my previous self. That could even be a great idea to do when it comes to anything we've come so far from, break ups, jobs, etc.

Thank you so much for sharing! I think this will Spark many people

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TIME-4-TINA 8/30/2013 2:49PM

    Congratulations on all your success. I too, may have a conversation with myself. sounds very motivating. I will put it in my journal instead of a blog, don't want to be a copycat!. ha ha. I find it very motivating to look at old pics of myself. Pics that I thought I looked good in at the time. I realize that I barely recognize the person in the pictures. It's like a puffy blown up version of myself. I never want to be puffy again!! (mmm, that might be the title of my next blog.)
I am adding you as a friend.

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KITTYCAT64 8/30/2013 1:45PM

    Great way to share your struggle with food. I totally get it. You look beau t foul. Keep up the great job. Cathy emoticon

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KITTYCAT64 8/30/2013 1:45PM

    Great way to share your struggle with food. I totally get it. You look beau t foul. Keep up the great job. Cathy emoticon

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JRRING 8/30/2013 11:14AM

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CM_GARDNER78 8/30/2013 10:52AM

    GREAT blog!!!!! This is an awesomely fresh perspective - thank you so much for sharing it! It was just what I needed to read today!!! (((HUGS)))

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CALGALINIOWA 8/30/2013 10:26AM

    Love it! Thank you so much for sharing.

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JIBBIE49 8/30/2013 10:21AM

    Great to see your blog featured in the Spark Mail. What an honor.

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BLPRETTYGIRL1 8/30/2013 10:06AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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