The things that appear in my inbox
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Imagine my surprise when I opened my e-mail inbox today and saw the following headline within the Weekly Spark e-mail I am wont to receive:
"LOOK BETTER NAKED NOW! 5 TIPS TO LOOKING AND FEELING BETTER NAKED!"
I have a quick and easy solution for that already: take off my glasses.
Call me old-fashioned, but there is a REASON that humans wear clothes. Take, for instance, the majestic tiger. The tiger has beautiful, luscious orange and black striped fur. Or the rock python! The rock python has fantastic scaly patterned skin. The rhinoceros may not be the most photogenic, but that thick skin serves as armor for a veritable living Sherman tank. Then we have us. Homo sapiens. What do we look like? Apes with mange. No lie. I think we can all agree that we all look considerably less awkward in some form of clothing. Loincloth, tablecloth, whatever. SOMETHING.
Second of all, HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE YOU FLASHING if this is a genuine concern for you? If you are exposing yourself to so many people that you are concerned about your cosmetic appeal, you should turn yourself in to the police at once. You have a problem. Or go to Vegas where they condone that sort of behavior. Whichever is more convenient.
Third of all, when we get to a certain age, well, it just doesn't matter any more. We have lost or are in the process of losing our war with gravity. I look in the full length mirror and think "another few years and I can play hacky-sack with my frontal assets." NOBODY is supposed to look good naked. NOBODY. Not without mechanical help. Seriously.
So, the next time you get one of these articles in your inbox, check your calendar. If you're slated to speak at a nudists convention, then by all means go ahead and read it. If not, meh. Don't worry about it.