Tuesday, August 27, 2013
So the last two weeks have been rough...
I was rushing through trying to finish up at my job, “post-doc” in my old lab. I say that with quotes because I actually lost my benefits, started paying taxes, and getting paid less – which is the opposite of everyone else when they postdoc.
I just had a really negative last week there. I tried to convince my boss to keep paying me to write him a grant and the two papers we need to publish ASAP and then help with the other two papers the lab has in drafts... and he refused. He blamed his money situation, and then said stuff like “I have a giant mouse colony with nothing to do – we’re wasting money!” Yea, he’s bad at managing money. He has a 2000-3000 mouse colony that costs 4-6 thousand dollars a month to maintain. If he just reduced his colony down, without running useless experiments just because we have the mice... then he’d have more than enough money to pay me. Plus he’s keeping on a person who isn’t really producing any data... still working on the same project four years later... no paper... so they get paid but I don’t. And then the kicker, he kept coming in to see me and saying stuff like “well how did you screw up this interview?!” “What are you saying to make people not hire you?!” “You have to figure out what you’re doing wrong”
Gah! Everyone knows job hunting is hard. I’ve been looking since February. Seriously looking and applying since March... and nothing. The PIs now a days just don’t know what its like out there for someone graduating with a PhD in science. Sure there are job postings, but I don’t have experience, no one is willing to hire me to get experience, and the head hunters keep offering me jobs I’ve either already applied for, been turned down on, or you know... meterology or grinding corn third shift for $9/hr. I’m a Biochemist, and I can’t find even a masters level job that will hire me. I’ve applied to EVERYTHING at all sorts of levels of education just to try to get a foot in the door, and been rejected or heard nothing (mostly heard nothing). And then my current boss belittles me and tries to make it sound like I am doing something wrong.
Well f*ck him. He’s not my boss anymore. This was supposed to be my last week, but Friday I got an e-mail asking if I wanted to teach Intro to Biology on Monday! So as of yesterday I’m an adjunct faculty member. I’m only teaching one class and one lab, and have no idea how much I’m getting paid – but its experience. Its also at a University (a small one) – and even though I applied to community colleges and everything I could find – I’m teaching at a real University.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING! At least its Intro to Biology for non-majors. I have quizzes to write, and students to teach. This is weird folks. My dad and boyfriend are supportive saying that it’s a foot in the door. My mom is negative and says I might have screwed up my chance at a full time job.
Being around my mom makes me crazy. She’s in full depression mode so anytime I can get her out of the house and dressed it helps – but it makes me crazy, and I’m also not her therapist... so its hard on me, but I know its good for her. I just have to sometimes lock myself upstairs in my bedroom at 28 (facepalm) – and try to have some peace and quiet. Last night I worked out a bit and lifted some weights. Today I want to do treadmill. I need to get my butt and legs in better shape.
Yesterday I started over on counting calories. I logged everything in MyFitnessPal and was under my calorie goal (they have a crazy low goal range). I specifically went shopping for foods that I knew I could combine into a healthy dinner. Hell I cooked three meals yesterday – so that’s better than the funk of eating out that I was in. Honestly I did a mini-food tour of Columbia before I left. I had a double bacon cheeseburger on Saturday.... so I’m cleaning up my act! Also TJ had the same.... but on a donut bun – fat kid day extraordinaire. We both need to clean up our acts again.
In other news, TJ went up to Chicago to see his cousin the jewelry designer... and designed my engagement ring... which is in some form of production... which I will get sometime in the future/near future... and once its on my finger we’re probably going to talk about eloping. He wouldn’t mind something simple... I wouldn’t mind getting married sooner rather than later... If I just had a job I wouldn’t mind so much. This whole limbo, I sort of have a job—job—but don’t know how much I’m getting paid thing—is just weird. I also still have to finish up my first author paper and get that submitted (to cancer research apparently) – then help with an elderberry paper – because I’m trying to beef up my CV as much as possible... so maybe it’s a good thing I’m not “working” full time. I say that, but I still have to read all of the stuff I’m forcing the kids to and write up quizzes. I’m in the “I feel guilty, I want everyone to do well” stage that will last until I see how lazy some of the kids are. I’m hoping since it’s a small school they will really try and actually do the reading and be prepared for lab... but then again – freshman, non-majors, and a lot of athletes, so I will see how it goes. Wednesday is my first lab! Eek!
So that’s it. I moved back to St. Louis officially. I’m out of Columbia. I sort of have a job. I am stressed out. BUT I am focusing on me and am trying to eat well (and track) and workout. TJ is really supportive and helpful, but he also tells me I’m perfect and have no flaws (so he’s biased as all get out). I’m trying not to beat myself up or obsess over how I feel I don’t look perfect... I’m also trying to kick baby fever... which is hard when everyone around me has cute babies and is telling me that “youre never ready” for a kid... oh well... I’m trying to check back in with everyone on here. I’ll try to be more present.