Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Here I am again! You know, blogging through it.
I’m working an identifying why I’m feeling so off these days. I have come up with:
1) Whatever wacky thing is going on with my hormones (hair loss, double TOM, etc…)
2) Stress (New commute, car trouble, etc…)
3) The odd phenomenon that is a giant sort of letdown that occurs when you’ve reached a goal and there is a weird “What Next?” phase. I finally moved into a house in the town I wanted to move to for the past ten years… what next?
4) The also-weird phase I am in at work without having a boss. You just drift and that doesn’t help much.
I definitely internalize A LOT OF STUFF. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I get some sort of physical reaction (sickness, headaches, etc.) but I think I need to work on being more mindful of everything around me and letting myself process it better. I’m constantly trying to keep my brain moving, or it keeps moving on its own, and everything starts burying itself but at some point the hole fills up too much and I get weighted down.
I’m reading The Dharma Bums [NERD ALERT – yes, I read Kerouac for fun] and although I’m not about to go tramping through the wilderness (I like toilets and showers too much), I am learning some things about Buddhism and meditation. I am one of the most un-religious people ever but I DO see value in learning to sit still and absorb life. Anyone out in Sparkland meditate and/or see success with that type of exercise?
I know yoga & pilates are supposed to help but I’m usually struggling way too much during that stuff to process thoughts beyond “I am going to fall over. I hurt. I am so inflexible. I look ridiculous.” Etc…
And so I’m sitting at my desk while my neighbor definitely eats hot toast slathered in melted butter and agonizing a bit. I’m not even hungry. In fact, my tummy is upset. But my brain has been itching to get me to stuff my face. Last night I really struggled staying out of the pantry – happy to report that I DID – but I’m soooo exhausted from fighting this battle sometimes. It’s always my brain versus bad food, or my brain versus exercise. I wish it would just BE. It gets tiring. I know I have seen other people say that on Spark before – tiring. I guess I need to dig deep and find some of that light, it just gets harder to do when my negative brain takes over.
I also saw my one coworker this morning, I think I have mentioned her on here before, who has lost a ton of weight. She looked great today. I also know she wakes up at 430 am to hit the gym, goes to the gym at lunch 4-5 days a week, and sometimes does THIRD workouts after work. I just can’t ever picture myself living that lifestyle. I can see myself hiking, zumba’ing, etc… but never three-a-days. Does that make me less of a person? I’m not sure. Maybe I won’t ever be super tiny but if that is what it takes, maybe I don’t want it?
I am really pleased with a new recipe I made last night for Keema. It is a curry dish our old roommate used to make from Pakistan. I switched a few things up and next time would switch up a few more to make it even healthier. I have leftovers for lunch that I am excited to eat. Every time I cook a new successful recipe, I can’t help but feel proud of myself! Coming from a family that NEVER cooked, couldn’t even chop an onion, to this? Yeah!
Tomorrow I am working from home. I have my meals and snacks planned out and will MAKE myself stay AWAY from the pantry. I may even try a morning walk/run since I’ll be so close to the shower. Hmmm? I need to do SOMETHING because Thursday is shaping out to be a difficult day. I have lunch AND dinner out – ugh. It happens I suppose. And this weekend we’re going away, which always makes things tough. Just gotta power through, try to make the best choices as possible, and move on. Right?!
Anyways, I’m off to google meditation and actually do some work today. Hope you all are having a great week so far!