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Late Night...

Monday, August 26, 2013

So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he’s OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker. -David Letterman

Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots. -David Letterman

So you have your regular Oreos and they have Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate. Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. I’ll tell you something else right now, we wouldn’t have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was president. -David Letterman

Last night Anthony Weiner was at a forum for all the candidates for mayor, and he actually got booed by the crowd. Which got even worse when Weiner was like, ‘Boobs, where?’ -Jimmy Fallon

Elsewhere in the news, a Swedish company was fined today after one of their assembly robots attacked a human worker. And so it begins... -Craig Ferguson

A new study came out that shows that the germiest place in your kitchen is the refrigerator's vegetable drawer. After hearing this, most Americans said, 'We have a vegetable drawer?' -Conan O'Brien

A prop phaser gun from the Star Trek TV show recently sold for $231,000 at an auction making it the most expensive thing you can point at someone right before they beat the crap out of you. -Jimmy Fallon"The inventor of the world's first artificial test-tube hamburger said that 'It looks, feels, and hopefully tastes like meat.' He was immediately sued by Arby's for stealing their slogan." -Conan O'Brien

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill. -Craig Ferguson

A woman in Britain said that her pet goldfish survived for seven hours in the open air outside of his tank, which is a world record ˜ for goldfish torture. In the fish world, that's known as 'airboarding.' -Jimmy Fallon
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