Starting all over... or am I?
Monday, August 26, 2013
I have a been a Sparkpeople member since summer 2010. Since then would gain and lose those same 20 pounds all over again. I was doing really good job, but then I would find a "objective" reason why I would stop- boy troubles, finishing my degree, working 50+ hours a week at my first adult job. I would still check in Sparkpeople couple of times a month... I learnt a lot. I was just never focused enough to incorporate that into my life. It is funny, isn't it? If you asked any fat person, what they would give to be thin the answer would probably be: "anything". Anything but putting themselves and their health first.
But something has changed. I am not sure what. There was no major AHA moment for me. About a month ago I would leave my plate half full. I would decide I really did not need that extra ice-cream. My attitude to food was different. Not saying I have started doing everything perfectly, but for somebody who would eat as long as they saw food... this is a major thing!
I have stopped exercising. In last three months I have been to gym 4 time. No fitness classes... no worries. It is not that I got lazy... I have started living an active life. I have fallen in love with cycling(again). I would try to get somebody go hiking with me... and if they would not, I would take a trip on my own. We would go to lake and instead of eating crisps on the beach I would swim for two-three hours(ok, majority of it was just threading water, but hopefully you see my point).
Maybe it was because of the summer that has come after a extreeeeeeemly long winter we had over here. Or maybe because I stopped taking my work and carrier too seriously because I see they are taking a right direction even without me pushing too much.
But I see a different reason. I have realized that emotional eating will never really deal with emotion for longer than couple of bites. I am tired of waiting for my life to start when I will be thin. I want to be able to do all the things I haven't because of being too self-conscious. Like a year ago I would not wear a sleeveless shirt. I didn't want everybody to see how fat my arms were.. until I realized: "heyyy, if they haven't noticed that I am overweight until now, there must be something terribly wrong with them"- this one was really liberating- and lot of small moments like these.
For an outsider, there wasn't much that has changed since September 2010. For me (despite I am really using trial-error method :-)) I must admit: I am getting closer and closer to person who I have always wanted to be... and not only when it comes to weight.