Monday, August 26, 2013
This blog may confuse some of my newer SparkBuddies, so I attached my original blog from last year that will explain things.
Last night I was watching a reality show where a son was embraced by his father, was told he was loved and was apologized to for having treated him badly for a period of his life. Usually reality shows donít get to me, but man, this hit home. There have been so many times that Iíve wanted my own father to do just this to me. Now, I know how my father is and I know that I may NEVER EVER get this from him whether he was truly at fault or not. I know he was, he knows he was but that doesnít mean heís going to admit it or apologize for what heís done. Ever since I confronted him last year Iíve subconsciously waited for him to come to his senses, embrace me and tell me, ďBritt, Iím sorry for hurting you.Ē
Not only has this NEVER happened, but my father actually stopped talking to me for 3 days after I confronted him. He complained to my mother about me, telling her, ďI did NOT hit her like that!Ē
So why do I continue to ďwaitĒ? I couldnít tell you, but I guess I just hope that some sort of voice inside him speaks some sense into him so that maybe he and I could have a relationship. Itís sort of strange, there are times when Iíd like a relationship with him and times when I could honestly care less (this is most of the time actually). Perhaps I want to leave things in a good place when I leave CA, perhaps I want to clear the air before his health takes a turn for the worse. I seriously donít know. All I do know is that I feel like he owes me this and I feel like I deserve at least him acknowledging his wrong doing.
What if it never comes? It may not. I feel like Iíve healed somewhat from what happened to me, I guess I just wish my Dad would be a man and accept that perhaps heís made some mistakes in his life.
I do know that you donít always get what you wish for and things donít always work out for the best.
A girl can hope canít she?
An apology may never come. Acknowledgement may never come. If it never does, I will accept it and move on. There are 3 people that know what really took place all of those years: me, my father and God. If my Dad chooses not to say a thing, Iíll always know because Iíll never forget.
Like I said in my letter to him, ďDad, I can forgive, but I will not forget.Ē